Pet Peeves for the Common Man: Your Accent Isn’t Funny

Ladies, I’m going to go ahead and clue you in to a little secret that is guaranteed to strengthen your relationship with your beau, or boo, or whatever the hell you want to call your boy toy. That’s right. This is TTM: Cosmo Edition.

There’s a little phenomenon I’ve noticed among women that I’ve found troublingly pervasive. It seems to be like some kind of mental infection. I guess they call that insanity, huh? Anyway, girl after girl, all over the country, they seem to suffer from the same disturbing delusion that is destroying more relationships every day. It is this delusion, not the gays, that is responsible for the degradation of marriage in today’s society.

The habitual crime is thus: Women believe that it is funny to men when they use fake accents.

I’m going to begin with the cold hard truth, ladies. Your accents – British, French Russian, whatever Asian accent it is that you think you’re doing – are not funny to men. Your girlfriends may laugh, but your girlfriends also like Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson movies. Do you see what I’m saying? Follow the logical progression here.

Y’all can get together and watch How to Lose Ghosts of Girlfriends While Failing to Launch in 10 Days and pretend that you talk like a gay German all you want, just don’t include us. There are plenty of things that we know that you do that we don’t want to hear about or participate in. One of those things is driving. I know you do it, but it’s terrifying to me, so I’d rather block it out. Another is voting. Our whole country has been suffraging since the 19th Amendment passed, that’s a fact. There’s a large group of other activities that involve the bathroom that I don’t care to think about enough to name, but I will tell you that showering is not a part of that group.

Then there are the things girls do when they’re “out with the girls” on “girl’s night.” Unless girl’s night involves showering, pillow fights, or cooking, we’re probably better off not knowing. I’m not telling you to stop doing those things, I’m just asking you to keep it within the circle of protective estrogen where those sorts of activities are kosher.

I can already hear the protests from some silly, silly girls: “My boyfriend thinks my accents are hilarious!”

No, no he doesn’t. Your boyfriend does, however, understand that sometimes women force men to lie to them. He probably learned that when you first said “My cousin Cheryl is so pretty, don’t you think?” or “This dress from high school still fits me, right?” If you wanted honest answers you’d be asking honest questions. All you really want is for him to affirm things you know aren’t true to compensate for your daddy issues or your eating disorders or your multiple personalities or whatever it is that makes you insecure and prone to impersonation based humor. So, because he’s a smart man, he picks his battles and laughs when you respond as a Ukrainian woman, even though he dies a little inside.

And don’t even start with the “double standard” crap, you Lifetime watchers. I keep my fart jokes, objectification of women, and excessive vulgarity with Dude’s Night. Maybe I laugh at accents that some of my bros do. Maybe I do some myself when I’m with my bros. You’ll never know, baby, because that time is for bros and not for hos.

To clarify, when I say “baby” I am of course referring to “any interested woman,” because due to some scientific mystery I am still single.

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