While everyone else in the English-speaking world is busy compiling top 10 lists to encapsulate the essence of the last decade, we here at The Talking Mirror are forging on into the future. We’re not concerned with who had the greatest album, athletic performance, or sexiest celebrity scandal in the past 10 years, we want to know what’s going to happen next (assuming health insurance executives, terrorists, or the Mayans don’t kill us all first). It’s true, 2010 technically “hasn’t happened yet” but we’ve never been ones to let things like facts, events, or reality get in the way of a good news story and we’re not about to start now. And so, in a TTM exclusive, we are proud to bring you 20 headlines guaranteed to be filling newspapers and Perez Hilton’s Twitter feed over the next 12 months. You can discount them for being made-up, far-fetched and unlikely to ever happen, but, hey, that’s good enough for 70 million Obama voters so it’s more than good enough for us. Please enjoy responsibly.
PELOSI’S BILL FOR FEDERALLY FUNDED TOILET PAPER OPTION INCLUDES FINES FOR NOT WIPING ASS
POLL SHOWS MAJORITY OF AMERICANS DON’T TRUST POLLS
TEN MILLION CHINESE TROOPS “JUST VISITING,” SAYS OBAMA
WANDA SYKES SHOW IN SECOND SEASON – AMERICANS BAFFLED
15 MORE WOMEN, 6 MEN, 3 HORSES, 4 SHEEP, AND AN END TABLE CLAIM TO HAVE HAD AFFAIR WITH TIGER WOODS
GLOBAL WARMING NOW PERVASIVE, CATASTROPHIC; CHICAGO A TROPICAL PARADISE
CATHOLIC PRIEST CLAIMS TIGER WOODS MOLESTED HIM
OBAMA OFFERS CALIFORNIA TO CHINA AS DEBT REPAYMENT, “NO THANK YOU” THEY RESPOND
AMERICA INVADES IRAN, OBAMA WINS SECOND NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
JIMMY FALLON STILL TELLING JOKES ABOUT PRESIDENT BUSH
PALIN ANNOUNCES RUN FOR PRESIDENCY IN 2012, BABY JESUS CRIES
ILLINOIS SELLS OBAMA’S SENATE SEAT TO MARK CUBAN TO COMBAT RISING BUDGETARY DEFICIT
WORLD CUP MAKES AFRICA SEEM ALMOST BEARABLE
WINTER OLYMPICS A SUCCESS, NO ONE NOTICES
FURBY ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC DRUNKENNESS, SAYS, “I USED TO BE ON TOP.”
“SEXT” RAPIST GETS DEATH SENTENCE; JURY SAYS, “C YA”
ABC’S “BIGGEST LOSER: RELAPSE” CANCELLED, AMERICA LOSES HOPE
LOST’S SMOKE MONSTER REVEALED, OBAMA TO GUEST STAR
KANYE INTERRUPTS OBAMA’S NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY, SAYS “DESMOND TUTU WAS BETTER”
Thanks to Christian Gonzalez and Kent for contributing headlines to the list.
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