The Future of Terror: The Anal Cavity Bomber

By: The Fubar Journalist

As you may have noticed, airport screening measures have increased since the “underwear bomber” was arrested on December 25 at Detroit’s international airport.

Several clever Republicans bravely recommend all Muslims be profiled for special, more stringent flight screening. You know, cause non-Muslims never do anything wrong with airplanes.

But is this enough? Are they aware of the latest threat? Beware the most recent al Qaeda terrorist innovation: the anal cavity bomber.

It doesn’t sound plausible until you put on your swim shorts and jump head first down that slippery slope of logic.

Yup, your poop shoot is the last convenient place to hide a bomb. First it was baggage, but they nailed that one pretty quick. After 9/11, it was your shoes. Thanks Richard Reid. An extra minute removing the shoes solved that problem.

The next two places made terrorism downright sexy.

This past month, it became underwear, the last source of privacy on the outside of your body. Now airport screeners have to scan through your clothes using high-tech X-rays, the stuff only nerdy science geeks reading 60s comic book classified ads can dream up. Wonder what Ethel has under those knickers? Calm down there, Johnny, because science has the answer!

It’s underwear.  And some C4.

And now, there’s only one logical place left. The anal cavity. How do I know this? Picture the average high school freshman pothead as he attempts to avoid principals, cops and drug dogs. What steps does he use to hide his weed? Locker first, then backpack, then shoes, then underwear, and lastly, his anus.

Expect Bertha and Melvin with Homeland Security to go through more latex gloves than a 5th grade science class on Fetal Pig Dissection Day. That’s because the new anal cavity bomber cannot be stopped using the X-rays. He’s going to “BEEP” walking through the metal detector, even if he is buck naked.

Where is the bomb? Must be a computer glitch. Not so fast! It’s the anal cavity bomber! Looks like Mohammed has a new trick up his … sleeve.  So how do you, the vigilant tourist, stop the violent terrorist?

Remain calm. It should be pretty easy to spot a potential terrorist attempting to detonate an explosive inside his anus (i.e. forcing the explosive out of the cavity, or reaching for the explosive’s trigger inside the cavity.)

By all means, wrestle the (what most likely is a) Muslim to the ground, turban first, and make sure the device is kept firmly inside the anal cavity. The explosion will be less deadly if it remains inside the anus, just like a fart.

With that said, there is nothing else you can do. Once they get ‘em through the anus, we’re screwed – literally and figuratively.

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