The SkyMall Copywriter Gets Drunk

Note – this was originally published on October 16, 2009, before SkyMall went belly up. I don’t know about you, but I miss thumbing through it on flights and not buying anything. RIP, SkyMall.

Have you ever stared at something and wanted it to fly? I know I have. Like last night after I got done slamming Irish Car Bombs down at the old watering hole… I stared at my car for about an hour trying to get it to fly. Damn thing wouldn’t budge!

Well guess what! That’s what this game is all about, apparently. You put our little headset on, and you get to make balls fly all over this game set. Hah, that sounds wrong… or right? Either way, it sounds like tons of fun to me. Stare at balls and make them jump all over the place. Not quite moving a car, but it’s a step in the right direction. And that direction, my friends, will cost you about a hundred bucks! Only at skymall!

 

 

Remember all those cool spy shows from the 60’s? I know I don’t. Apparently though, some guy with a decent amount of investment capital did.

BAM! Here’s a watch that is also a cell phone. It doesn’t have any lasers for you to burn women’s clothes off Bond-style, but don’t worry. You won’t be talking to any women with this thing on your arm. But you’ll be able to get rid of that bulky belt-clip phone holder that has been scaring women away up until now! And all for only about $300 after shipping! What a bargain!

 

 

 

 

 

Ever hear of the Snuggie? That thing was such a prude! It’s time for you to get with a backwards robe/blanket substitute that knows how to party! Meet the Slanket, Snuggie’s slutty little sister.

This blanket thing will wrap around you in ways you never, ever thought possible. I’m serious. I’ve seen some things, man. Some crazy things. But I’ve never seen anything like the Skanklet in action. Slanket, I mean. You’ll be sitting there, reading a book with your Snuggie on – or worse, a normal blanket – and you’ll just feel bored. I’ve been there. No more, friends! Pour some scotch and soda all over that Snuggie and you’ve got yourself a rascally Slanket that is ready to rock your socks off! Or at least make you warm enough to not have to wear socks anymore. People love it! Seriously. 45 people have reviewed it, God knows why. It’s about 40 bucks. If you don’t know how to cut two holes in a normal blanket, then buy this, I guess.

 

 

 

 

Regular, beige, old, refrigerator. Did those words make your heart skip a beat? Me neither, man. Nothing does, anymore. My sponsor says that changes with time and the serenity prayer, but I think I need this bad boy. How many times have you gotten a drink out of your fridge and thought “damn, that would have been a lot cooler if my fridge was a vending machine?” I know! Almost every time! Not anymore. Got $600 lying around? What the hell are you waiting for? Deliverance is here, man! You can do this, man. I know you can. I believe in you so much. I see a lot of people come around here, but you’re different. You’ve got what it takes man.  Get yourself a vending machine. You owe it to yourself and to the rest of us who will never be there. Thank God for SkyMall, right?

 

Good fences make good neighbors. Nietzsche said that, I’m pretty sure. He was a smart guy. Kind of pissed at the world. He’d probably be such an emo queer if he was alive now. Anyway, I digress. You know what else makes good neighbors? Giant hairy monsters in your yard. Chilipepper the Chihuahua will have a helluva time taking a dump in your yard now that you’ve got Big Foot there, hanging out. If dog deterring isn’t in your game plan, then you’re probably pretty interested in having your neighbors think you’re a weirdass that watches too much scifi, right? This will definitely get you to that point. Nothing says “avoid me, I probably don’t bathe and know far too much about Star Wars” like a Big Foot Garden Sculpture, only from the saints here at SkyMall!