This Shamrock Pin is Bogus

A Conversation Between an Inebriated Irishman and the Passersby on Saint Patrick’s Day

Hey. Hey. You. Hey. Listen to me. Hey. You see this pin I got here? This one, right here on my chest. Or one might say breast, hehehe… You see this pin? Yeah, read it. Hey, don’t walk away from me. I asked you a question! Whatever. Hey, you, blond girl! Hey. Come here. Can you read this pin? What’s it say? Yeah, it says “Kiss Me I’m Irish.”

I have a question for you, blond girl. Tell your friends to stop giggling first, please. What? No I didn’t piss myself. I spilled beer on my pants. I’m serious. How come you’re not taking me seriously? Oh sure, use my green tuxedo and my green top hat as an excuse to marginalize me. This country has always been racist against the Irish! Erin Go Bra! Shut up, I’m not talking about your bra. What are you calling the cops for? It means Ireland forever” in the native Irish language, Gaelic.

Oh that’s real mature. Nobody has ever said that before, real nice. Yeah you’re a genius blondie. Piss off, I don’t need you. Don’t let the… light post… hit you on the ass on the way out! Yeah… idiots.

Hey, you! Red headed chick! You look Irish, come here. Hey, could you read this pin I have here? Right, it says “Kiss Me I’m Irish.” Can I ask you a question? I need a real honest answer from you, don’t mess around. I’m not just giving you an excuse to insult me personally here, alright? Hold on I need to burp. This parade is loud.

Okay, here’s the question: If this pin here says to kiss me based on the fact that I’m Irish, and today is Saint Patty’s day, how come I haven’t gotten any kisses? I mean, don’t people know that kissing an Irishman on Saint Patty’s day gets you lucky for like, a whole year? Wait, that sounded wrong. I meant it makes you lucky, like you have good luck for a year or whatever. And it’s not because I haven’t asked, either. I went up to plenty of ladies today – and I was polite, you know – and I just stood in front of them and pointed to the pin. You know what they’d do? They’d laugh! Like as if I had made a good joke or something. I know how to make a good joke, dammit, and this wasn’t one of those times. I was being serious. I am being serious. I’m Irish and I deserve plenty of kisses. It’s not so much that it’s my right as it’s their privilege.

Right, that’s exactly what I’m saying. I’m Irish and it’s March 17 so I should be more attractive than normal. That’s what I was promised by the gentleman at Party City that sold this pin to me. That man is a LIAR! Women don’t kiss me any more today than ever, which is to say zero times.

They keep saying all these things about segsual hahrasmen, and I don’t… Oh no I’m not feeling-

Wow I feel so much better. What happened? Did I pass out and vomit on myself? Why are you yelling at me? Oh, I passed out and vomited on you. My bad. Look, you weren’t wearing green before and now you are! It’s really not necessary to call your boyfriend over, I’m sure you both need to be somewhere else, and you can be angry at me there, wherever that is that isn’t here. Hey. Hey. Do you have a cigarette? That’s really what I need right now is a cig. Stop yelling please. All this sound is going to make me puke.

Look at the pin. What do you think? Ready to pucker up?

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