WASHINGTON DC (AP) – In a shocking announcement yesterday, the United States of America announced that it is officially severing all ties with the rest of the world after nearly two and a half centuries of peaceful coexistence on the same planet.
US officials cited egregious rudeness and worldwide ingratitude as primary reasons for the separation as well as the rising costs of “defending the rest of the world from itself.”
A top advisor to America released this statement: “For years we’ve been sharing our superior currency, language, and fast food chains with them while receiving nothing in return but a few hand-crafted trinkets, brand name knockoffs and the occasional tanker full of oil. Well this is one trade deficit that will not stand.”
Vice President Richard Cheney stated that America was particularly disappointed with the world’s contributions to the soft-drink and entertainment industries. “How many Asians enjoyed a crisp, refreshing Coca-Cola last year? How many Europeans had their minds blown by The Dark Knight last summer?” asked Mr. Cheney, speaking on behalf of America. “Do you know how long it’s been since anything from Europe blew my mind? I’ll tell you. Fourth grade, Swiss army knife.”
The decision, which has apparently been in the works since the rest of the world attacked America on September 11, 2001, was fast tracked after President Bush was forced to accompany Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh to a cricket game during a recent trip to Delhi.
“I remember sitting there thinking ‘so we’ve single handedly invented baseball, football, and the X-Games in the past 100 years, and this is the best they could come up with?’” pondered the one-time leader of the free world. “This is even worse than soccer!”
“America has been carrying the world on its very capable back for the past six centuries,” continued Mr. Bush. “It is tired of doing all the work while those freeloaders, especially Mexico, reap the benefits of its political stability, stylish mp3 players, and Twilight vampire novels.”
Early reactions to the startling news have been mixed. Israel says it will miss the babysitting, and China will be sad to see its weekly allowance go, but, on a positive note, the European Union has expressed delight that it will no longer play second fiddle to its more creative, more successful younger brother, and Canada is looking forward to being the undisputed ruler of North America.
Regardless of what the rest of the world thinks, the emancipation seems to enjoy the overwhelming support of the American public.
“I’ll definitely miss the burritos and Brazilian supermodels,” said 26-year old cable installer Marty Davidson. “But it’s only a matter of time before America figures out how to copy those things and make them even better. So I’m cool with it.”