As with most things not featured in the newspaper’s sports section or covered extensively on E! the Entertainment Channel, this whole Global Warming debacle perplexes me to no end.  So, it appears the earth is frantically trying to warm itself and a coalition of actors and former vice-presidents are trying desperately to stop it.  That part I get.  Polar bears are drowning.  Every time I turn on my car an endangered species goes extinct.  I’m supposed to turn off the lights if I’m going to be away from home for more than two weeks.  That all makes sense.  But what doesn’t make sense is why so many “people” have jumped ship and sided with The Environment in this battle royale for planetary supremacy.

The fact that I am staunchly opposed to recycling, organic fruit, fair trade coffee and all other kinds of science has little to do with me being either a Republican or a Christian.  Rather, it has to do with my comprehension of a simple truth that Al Gore and the other tree humpers have failed to grasp.  The fact of the matter is this: given the chance, The Environment will kill you and everyone you have ever cared for.  It has tried for centuries to wipe all memory of mankind from the face of the earth.  Millions upon millions of our ancestors have been slain by this terrible, misanthropic demon-spirit, and now that we’ve finally got it on the ropes, our celebrities and college professors are going all Clara Barton and nursing the monster back to health.  They, not global warming, must be stopped.  If these Benedict Arnolds are allowed to continue making PSAs, running for office, and driving hybrids, we run the risk of losing all the ground the internal combustion engine and the industrialization of China have gained for us.

Now I’m sure there are some of you who are not convinced of how contemptuously you are regarded by The Environment.  You like the zoo; you think hiking is fun; you’ve been to a few outdoor music festivals.  Whatever.  Consider this: in 2007 more people were killed by weather related incidents than by football two-a-days, bar fights, rap feuds, and fraternity hazings combined.  Over the past half century, significantly more people have died from drowning, burning, hypothermia, and mauling than  from stabbing, shooting, smothering, or shaking.  On a more personal note, Nature has thus far ruined seven of my twenty-three birthdays with a spite-filled cocktail of cantaloupe-sized  hail, rabid dogs, and tornadic activity.

Still not convinced?  Consider the annual onslaught known as “Winter” through which we are currently suffering.  Winter stands in the esteemed company of alcohol, tobacco, and allergies as the most potent weapon in The Environment’s arsenal.  The Season of Sad comes earlier and stays later each year – making significant in-roads into both November and March – and it is getting ever more brazen in it’s attacks.  Three times last week I awoke to find my car vandalized with a blanket of ice and snow.  Twice I was late to work thanks to Nature having rendered the highways impassable.  I live in constant fear of suffering embarrassment and injury at the hands of the treacherous sidewalks and parking lots on which I must walk.  It is insufferable.  The Environment renders my world unlivable for six months of the year, and I, for one, am tired of sitting back and taking it.

Isn’t it time we put Nature in it’s place?  Aren’t you tired of hearing things like “it’s a sunny fifteen degrees today, but with that wind it feels more like negative ten”? I know I am.  Lets do something about it!  Lets all commit right here, right now to flushing a toilet  every time we walk by a bathroom.  Move bottles from the recycling to the trash!  Buy twice the food you need and throw half of it away.  Need less, use more!  I don’t know about you, but I eat at least three different kinds of meat for every meal.  It’s often inconvenient and prohibitively expensive, but  it’s worth it.

The Environment isn’t going away on it’s own, and  I don’t want my children and grandchildren to have to live in fear of Nature just because we were too afraid to eat out of season fruit.  Our intellectual and cultural leaders have made it clear that they aren’t going to fight this battle for us.  No, this is the cause of our generation.  Get involved!  Join the revolution!  If we all do our part to waste and consume a little more each day, we could be free of winter by 2020. Dream it. Believe it. Do it.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go melt the ice cap forming on top of my car.