The Jonas Brothers and their campaign to destroy all that is beautiful
As many of you know, for the past several months I have been in the employ of that ubiquitous red and khaki monstrosity known to the world as Target (cue the jokes about stocking shelves and/or comments about how much you love shopping there). As you might expect,...
Harmless Hobby or Predatory Pastime: A word on “People Watching”
Look at her sitting there, just popping her Bubblicious Gum (probably pink lemonade flavor, her favorite and mine), coyly twirling her fingers through her hair, while she waits to board her flight to Omaha. No wedding band. About my age. Definitely within the...
Technical Foul: A Word on Sports Analogies in the Workplace
As of last Saturday, I have completed four months of my brief fact-finding mission into what is commonly referred to as “a real job.” To say my findings have been “unsettling” would be a considerable disservice to those who suffer stoically beneath the fluorescent...
5.62: A word on scientific standards of sex-appeal
Like most guys out there, I consider it my God-given duty as a man to bring some objectivity to the world of physical attraction and sex-appeal. If you ask the average male (i.e. me), he’ll tell you there are far too many emotional, inexact terms like “cute,”...
I Am Shopper, Hear Me Bitch
In several previous posts, I have made reference to my work as a low-level manager at a fashion-forward yet reasonably priced mass retailer. While a great deal of my life now revolves around work, I have tried not to make it a focus of my writing. This is partly...
75% Off, 100% Insane: A Word on Clearance Shopping
I have learned much in my first six months as a manager at a massive, multi-national retailer and most of it has little to do with running a retail establishment (I still know just more than nothing about that.) A short list of the courses I have unwittingly audited...
Calvin Was Right: The Total Depravity of MTV
I once had a friend whose list of life goals included amassing a fortune large enough to purchase MTV. Having purchased it, he would hire the most despicable people he could find and fill the network’s airtime with debauchery and filth the likes of which have not...
The Stalker Becomes the Stalked: A Word on Internet Advertising
People love hating on the internet for the many ways it enables stalkers to more effectively ply their trade. That being the case, I find it interesting that we hear almost nothing about an even more startling issue, i.e. the Internet’s ability to stalk us. Here’s...
If I Were a Boy: A Word On Female Pop Singers
Can I talk to you for five minutes about female pop singers? I approach this topic with a measure of trepidation due to accusations of misogyny and chauvinism, which have recently been directed my way. Let it be known that I am not presently, nor have I ever been...
Apatow Disappointed With Upcoming Film’s “R” Rating
Judd Apatow Film maker and cultural juggernaut Judd Apatow is mad. And when Judd Apatow gets mad, children under the age of eighteen should be immediately removed from earshot. “It’s bull****, man,” raves a wild-eyed Apatow, spittle dripping from his unkempt...
Pothead Wins Eight Gold Medals: A Word on Michael Phelps
Another stoner wastes his life. Have you guys heard about this Michael Phelps character? Get this. He’s a 23-year old stoner who likes playing beer pong and hitting water bongs at house parties. Not only that, but these are state school house parties. What a...
The More, The Married: A Word on Polygamy
Well, another year has passed and the time has come once again for us to commemorate the brutality of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre by stuffing our faces with chocolate, going on high-pressure dates, and skipping work to watch The Notebook eight times in a row. ...