You’ve got a problem. You feel the Lord calling you to a career as a chart-topping, face-shredding rock star, but you feel guilty about the sex, drugs, and sex that inevitably accompany super stardom. Your solution? Become a worship leader! Get the groupies, the Facebook fanpages, and the all-you-can-drink booze buffets you’ve always wanted while keeping your conscience squeaky clean!
Now, before you run off to Colorado Springs and start a band, I should tell you, it takes more than non-threatening good looks and a severely inflated ego to become the mouthpiece of the church. You need a catchy ditty that people of all ages will relate to without fully understanding. Sounds daunting right? Wrong. Thanks to advances in modern science, we’ve simplified effective worship song writing into a single, can’t miss formula. Just follow the template below and people will be saying “Dave Crowder who?” by this time next month.
First you want to state who your song is addressed to.
Jeeeeesuuuuus.
To avoid confusion, you will then want to distinguish this Jesus from the one who mows your lawn.
Sovereign Lord of all creation.
Perfect. Next, let everyone know how cool you think Jesus is with a disjointed list of laudatory adjectives.
Holy, Incredible, Awesome, Invincible, Phantasmagorical!
Having established the high regard you have for the second member of the Trinity, you will next want to describe the extravagant lengths you go to to demonstrate your love.
Falling before you / forever adore you / always want more of you / doing my chores for you / making some s’mores for you.
Then comes the pre-chorus. This is an integral part of your song wherein you ratchet up the emotional fervor until it reaches critical mass just as the chorus begins. Use this time to describe the many-faceted complexity of your relationship with the Savior.
I love you / you love me / we’re best friends as friends as can be (repeat 4x).
By the fourth repetition, the instrumental accompaniment should have reached a crescendo loud enough to drown out the vocalists, though they are now shouting at the top of their lungs. In this frenzied state you will transition into the chorus.
Regardless of your song’s message, the chorus should always follow the same format: repeated shouts of adoration intermingled with requests that those in attendance join you in singing. If you have trouble coming up with the right words, feel free to borrow liberally from other musicians.
Jesus, you’re so hiiiiiigh, high above me / you’re so lovely! / Sing it with me! / You’re so hiiiiigh, high above me / you’re so lovely.
After the chorus, the assembled worshippers will likely need a breather and a sweat rag. Those who have been slain in the spirit will probably need medical attention. As the puppet master of this whole scene, it is considered good form to bring things down a notch for the second verse.
In the interest of time and efficiency, feel free to copy and paste the lyrics from the first verse into the second one. If you feel you must, it is acceptable to modify the list of adjectives from line three. While some consider this to be extravagant and needlessly showy, it is a great way to keep your disciples on their toes.
Insurmountable, indestructible, unassailable, super-fantastical!
The second verse is, of course, followed again by the pre-chorus and the chorus.
After the second chorus, you will want to give the hand raisers and ribbon dancers a brief respite before the home stretch. A “bridge” is a popular way to do this without letting their heart rates or endorphins return to normal levels. The bridge is an important interlude, often accompanied by a key change, which serves to connect the second chorus to the third without subjecting the performer to the artistic degradation of a third verse.
Again, feel free to borrow lyrics from chick flicks, romance novels, or Seventeen Magazine.
You are the one, the only one for me. / Together forever, with you I’m free. / Nobody else makes me feel like you do. / Together forever, too good to be true.
Following the bridge, the chorus should be repeated 12-15 times. Apply fog machines and laser lights as needed, and close the whole thing out with some sort of explosion and/or stage dive.
And there you have it. Get some hair gel, buy a few graphic T’s, master the G-C-D chord progression, and prepare yourself for your new life as the second incarnation of worship-rock god, Chris Tomlin.
See you at Passion 2010.
Popularity: 100% [?]
February 22nd, 2009 at 8:37 pm
this has made me smile. thank you.
February 22nd, 2009 at 9:16 pm
This is spot on!
February 22nd, 2009 at 9:24 pm
so painful, yet so true
February 23rd, 2009 at 12:20 am
Repetitive motions add to the effect, and the opening act down onstage runs through the usual drills. The audience claps in unison. Long rows of people hold hands and sway together in their delirium. People do that rainbow hands.
Whoever invented this routine, the agent tells me, they pretty much run things in Hell.
-Chuck Pahlaniuk
February 24th, 2009 at 2:21 am
Looooooves it.
February 26th, 2009 at 9:11 am
so, kent had a messed-up childhood and shitty church experience? that’s all i got from this unoriginal rant.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Good Lord, Chuck. It’s satire. Lighten up.
Do me a favor will you? Don’t assume you know anything about me, and I won’t assume you’re some lonely, humorless prick who gets off on trolling the internet and leaving a trail of negativity behind him.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
is chuck a pseudonym for david crowder? david? is that you?
look man. just chill out a little bit. we’re not saying you’re not an artist or anything. we’re just saying you don’t really produce art.
…so maybe we are saying you’re not an artist.
anyway, the point is: cut your hair. and shave.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:42 am
wow. i’ve read all your stuff, and this one’s way up toward the top. btw, who let cornell west into the picture?
February 28th, 2009 at 12:00 am
Check out the keyboardist in the background. It’s hard to make your face do that. Try it!
Great post.
-Jacob
March 1st, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Haha this is a joke right?
March 2nd, 2009 at 1:11 am
Yes, Bubba, this is a joke.
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:31 pm
When I want to defend my favorite Church practices, I ALWAYS make sure to accuse my dissenters of “shitiness” of some form or another.
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:07 pm
To be fair, couldn’t you write similar satire directed at *any* genre of popular music? I mean…blues, 80′s rock ballads, grunge, dance tunes, disco… There’s a lampoon-able cookie cutter for nearly every genre out there. You might even argue that the fact of being a musical genre makes it cookie cutter-esque. The similarities that keep it properly within the genre predispose the music to formulae such as those exposed by the article.
Perhaps it’s offensive with Christian music because it’s supposed to be worship, not entertainment…OR IS IT? >>dramatic chord<<
March 3rd, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Oh snap!
Eric
March 3rd, 2009 at 6:48 pm
I love that this even mentioned the obligatory key change at the bridge . . . though even without a bridge, said key change is often still placed between the penultimate and ultimate “verses.” Musical emotional manipulation at its finest, folks. =)
March 3rd, 2009 at 11:06 pm
having a rather ecclectic spirit for varying worship styles (and able to relate to the good and bad in every style) I would love to see what Kent would have to say about a “traditional” worship experience filled with hymnody and the ever amazing organ (an instrument that truly “rocks” if there is someone who actually knows what to do with it!)
March 3rd, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Korey,
I too have a deep appreciation for all flavors of worship music (djembe preferred but not required). If asked today, my ideal worship set list would include the following and only the following:
-Days of Elijah
-Come to Jesus (By Chris Rice)
-Agnus Dei (As performed by Third Day)
-That one by Stuart Townsend
-He Reigns (By the Newsboys)
-As the Deer Panteth
-Friends are Friends Forever (By Michael W Smith)
-Fix You (By Coldplay)
–Kent–
March 4th, 2009 at 9:50 am
The part I liked best about the praise band was when the power went out.
March 4th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
I thought about coming up with a list of things that people seem to like in worship music and the above list is only missing one – while it says above that changing keys during the bridge is appropriate I think it would be wise to specify that any key changes need to be made by the half step as this really drives the crowd mad. Also, one should NEVER prepare a key change with a common/pivot chord.
One more thought – my husband and I always get a chuckle when there are more than three names listed as song writers for songs with only 10 words in the entire lyric. So maybe along with always modulating up by half-step, one should remember to include all of his friends in the compositional process.
March 9th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
“Do not sit in the seat of mockers” Psalm 1
One thing I know: it’s a lot harder to get out there and write a worship song, and to stand in front of a church and lead worship – than it is to laugh about the process.
I never like this kind of humor when it’s applied to the Church or to the work Holy Spirit.
If there’s something wrong in worship, it’s OK to spell it out, to come right out and say it – not hint or laugh at it. For example, if we feel that we’re just emotionally pumping people up, or that the words don’t really honor God: that’s a fair point that should be made. Is laughing at people God’s way?
One more thing: it’s foolish to get lost in worship, to dance before Him, to express how much you need him. We make fools of ourselves when we do this. If you are too self-conscious you will never do that. And you will miss out. Because we need to lose our life to find it, we need to give up our pride to find God. The church is for the weak, the poor in spirit, the fatherless. We give all we have for God because we have no other choice: no where else to go to.
When people seem to be getting carried away – sometimes it’s wrong: it’s of the flesh or just lack of self-control or proper fear of the Lord. Sometimes however, like King David, they really don’t care what anyone else thinks; they’re expressing a child-like love for their Father.
March 9th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
“And at noon Elijah mocked them, saying, ‘Cry aloud, for he is a god. Either he is musing, or he is relieving himself, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.’” I Kings 18:27 (ESV)
So, yes, it appears there are times when laughing at people is indeed “God’s way.”
Prophets, apostles, and even Jesus himself seasoned their debates with language ranging from sarcastic to downright hostile (brood of vipers, anyone?). Yet whenever this less-than-loving language is employed by Christians today, it immediately starts a contest of “who can get offended first.” As Elijah shows us, the important consideration for Christians when reading or writing satire should not be that something is being mocked, but rather what is being mocked and by whom.
The belief of many Christians that this kind of humor is not appropriate when applied to the Church or the Holy Spirit is also interesting when one considers the subject of the two most famous works of satire – Chaucer’s “Canterbury Tales” and Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.” Their barbs are aimed at Church corruption, institutional racism, genocide, sexual deviance, the oppression of the poor, etc, etc. Not exactly fluff pieces. It would seem that serious matters (spiritual or otherwise) are not only acceptable targets for satire, they are what satire was intended for. Just because something is funny, doesn’t mean it can’t be deadly serious.
I recognize the beauty of sincere, heartfelt worship, and that is not something I would ever make light of. I have nothing but respect for those who are able to lose themselves in their earnest worship. What I don’t respect is the superficial, sentimentalized, mass-produced drivel that passes for worship music these days. That is what the article was mocking.
Might some of my Christian brothers in the worship industry take offense to this article? Possibly. But, to borrow from Christian pastor and author Doug Wilson, “Perhaps they ought to have taken offense, and perhaps someone ought to have endeavored to give it.”
March 11th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Quite right, Kent.
As one who came from a more, erm, “emotionally-charged” worship life in the nineties (I was a misguided teen for much of that period, you see) before stumbling back into the mainline scene with hymnal in tow, I can look back on it and let out a chuckle without ridicule.
Why is contemporary Christian music so much a sacred cow these days? I don’t know. I cannot give an answer other than that, IMO, it is hip and is supposed to draw the crowds in.
If it’s hard to write (i.e. compose music and pen lyrics) worship songs, it certainly was harder for the hymnodists and melodists from the last 1600 years to put hallowed words to sacred music, and yet our generation should marvel at their prolific output and the pains they took to keep their hymns theologically sound lest they fall into grave error and sin. Unless, of course, if theological orthodoxy is no longer required for those writing church music.
Still, fun post and I give it two thumbs up.
March 13th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Oh. My. Gosh.
I laughed SO very hard at this.
March 27th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Did someone say DRAMATIC CHORD? http://www.dramabutton.com/
March 30th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Sir Kent, you are a brilliant writer! You put David Sedaris to shame! Bravo my friend bravo!
April 7th, 2009 at 3:59 am
i love to work with you.
this is grate hope for me.May God bless u richly in every ur new steps.
regards
sunil ghouri.
May 18th, 2009 at 10:23 am
This was good. phantasmagorically good.
Undeniable, and unquenchable. It was songalicious, and tasty.
Thanks for being hilarious.
I’m making smores for you was my favorite line. Keep it up boys. Soon you will be the rock stars of the satirical web.
May 27th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Kent:
Very nice. I think you are forgetting an extremely important aspect though: if modern worship music is anything (and I should know having led worship in every church i was a part of from 6th to 12th grade…I knew every worship cd coming out on three continents weekly…biatch)…if it is anything, it is a song sung in orgasmic ecstasy.
A) Worship songs should be sung by men (thanks Darlene, you had your heyday).
B) These men should be extremely sexually frustrated.
C) These sexually frustrated, “lead-worshippers” should be singing to young tween and teen girls.
D) These men should grope their guitars and produce as much breathe as non-humanly possible in between their vocal spasms….”Behe…heeee…neeaaarrrr….ahhhh….oohhhhhh……Goooooooddddd…..eeeeehhhh….moooorrreee!” Just see Shane&Shane. They know how to get the place… SOAKED with the almighty’s presence….or some sort of presence.
Trent.
ps. the most serious problem to me about the modern worship thugs is the following: Evangelical Christians lack the resources to properly deal with tragedy and suffering in relationship to their faith. Modern, American Christian faith is only always victorious, up-beat, encouraging, and tonally accessible and quick to achieve resolution. The black gospel tradition understands this much better believing that the Christian experience is always and continually about “Blues on Friday and Gospel on Sunday.”
Evangelical worship undermines the recognition that Christian faith is this really impossible thing at times–a cross, uncomfortable, not tonally accessible always, causing discontent, etc. The result, at least in my experience, is that when people inevitably DO face these various hardships, their faith has very little to say to them, and the Church is not interested in dealing with these “distractors,” and thus a new margin is created…a post-evangelical or somewhat post-Christian margin…the us–people trying to ask very honestly (and not so honestly), “why doesn’t the Church deal honestly with all the life processes? Why is it propagating an unsustainable notion of life?” The Church alienating honest, loving Christians is a very sad thing….it’s….INDESCRIBABLE.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Rich is now a fan. I showed him your Brett Farve article which led to the worship webinar. Entertaining for sure. We even read the bantar and the satire apologetics at the end.
September 29th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Trent:
One reason for worship being so “upbeat” could be found in the very definition of worship: the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity. It doesn’t say “piss and moan about how much life isn’t going your way” its about finding reasons to thank God despite your current life situation. Teaching is for dealing with life’s issues, and helping people grow on a personal level, worship is about honoring God for being God.
That being said, I can’t listen to Christian radio, I also find the songs repetitive and childish. I don’t understand how singing that “I am a friend of God, He calls me friend” is expressing reverence or adoration for anything…
December 8th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
“To be fair, couldn’t you write similar satire directed at *any* genre of popular music? I mean…blues, 80’s rock ballads, grunge, dance tunes, disco… There’s a lampoon-able cookie cutter for nearly every genre out there. You might even argue that the fact of being a musical genre makes it cookie cutter-esque. The similarities that keep it properly within the genre predispose the music to formulae such as those exposed by the article.”
Not to the extent that one can with worship music. Take, for example, Mraz, Mayer, and Jack Johnson. Similar genre, but their interpretations of that genre differ greatly in chord voicings, rhythms, and song formats. They also use many more concrete nouns and verbs than do the vast majority of praise songs.
I would say the next most cliche style to worship music is country music… and even it does better at stepping outside the box.
I blame it on the oversimplification of people’s comprehension of the spiritual world. That and an unwillingness to learn how to craft songs better.
January 20th, 2010 at 10:20 am
Kent,
I believe that first kings passage you shared earlier was Elijah mocking the pagan priests for thinking their gods could start a fire on their alter. Probably a little different situation mocking someone so sure of their “god” and mocking fellow brothers in Christ. I think this piece is witty and funny if it’s purely to poke fun at how something looks, but if you’re actually trying to get ppl to reconsider the way they worship, is this the best way?
January 21st, 2010 at 12:47 pm
Nate,
Thanks for the comment. I agree there is a difference between mocking pagan priests and mocking a brother in Christ, but I disagree that satire is appropriate in one setting and inappropriate in the other. The Bible doesn’t really advocate one standard of behavior toward non-Christians and another toward Christians. We’re supposed to treat everyone with love and “love our neighbors as ourselves” be they pagans or fellow parishioners.
The question then becomes: is satire an acceptable form of Christian discourse or is it not? I feel that it is and I believe scripture supports it. Look at the life of Christ. He was a Jew and yet he directed his harshest language at his Jewish “brothers” in positions of spiritual leadership. He never shied away from an opportunity to make the Pharisees look foolish. Why then should we hesitate in ridiculing church leaders when they engage in what we believe to be destructive activities/teachings (i.e. greedy televangelists, watered-down megachurch theology, superficial worship songs, Joel Osteen, etc)?
As to whether satire is the “best way” to effect change. No, it’s probably not “the best way.” But it is a way. The best way would probably be to do what Stuart Townsend, Chris Rice, and others are doing and write challenging, theologically-driven worship songs that present people with a more meaningful alternative. Unfortunately, I don’t play an instrument and I have a terrible singing voice. So I post satirical articles on my website. I don’t think I’m going to spark a revolution in the worship industry, but I do believe I am adding a valuable perspective to the conversation. I’d have a hard time doing this if I didn’t think it was worth something.
-Kent