US Cuts Diplomatic Ties With Rest of World
WASHINGTON DC (AP) – In a shocking announcement yesterday, the United States of America announced that it is officially severing all ties with the rest of the world after nearly two and a half centuries of peaceful coexistence on the same planet. US officials cited...
An Open Letter to the Assembled Law Enforcement Officers of the Various States I Have Visited or Resided in
Good evening officers and officerettes, I think you will all agree when I say that something has gone terribly awry in this relationship. Over the past six years, I have had impromptu and involuntary rendezvous with nearly all of you. These little get-togethers...
This Is How We Do It: A Word on the Blagojevich Scandal
Over the past week we have received several requests from our faithful readers to comment on the recent Blagojevich blowout (or Blago-palooza as us native Illinoisians call it). I was initially confused by these requests as I am not well-acquainted with what you kids...
Who Needs Ice Caps?: A Word on Global Warming
As with most things not featured in the newspaper’s sports section or covered extensively on E! the Entertainment Channel, this whole Global Warming debacle perplexes me to no end. So, it appears the earth is frantically trying to warm itself and a coalition of...
75% Off, 100% Insane: A Word on Clearance Shopping
I have learned much in my first six months as a manager at a massive, multi-national retailer and most of it has little to do with running a retail establishment (I still know just more than nothing about that.) A short list of the courses I have unwittingly audited...
Chocolate Milk and Cheesy Puffs: A Word on Grocery Shopping
If there were any lingering doubts regarding my unfitness for independent living, a quick survey of my monthly grocery bill should quickly put them to rest. Of course, one can’t really review my bill because I don’t keep receipts and am still unfamiliar with the...
Calvin Was Right: The Total Depravity of MTV
I once had a friend whose list of life goals included amassing a fortune large enough to purchase MTV. Having purchased it, he would hire the most despicable people he could find and fill the network’s airtime with debauchery and filth the likes of which have not...
The Stalker Becomes the Stalked: A Word on Internet Advertising
People love hating on the internet for the many ways it enables stalkers to more effectively ply their trade. That being the case, I find it interesting that we hear almost nothing about an even more startling issue, i.e. the Internet’s ability to stalk us. Here’s...
If I Were a Boy: A Word On Female Pop Singers
Can I talk to you for five minutes about female pop singers? I approach this topic with a measure of trepidation due to accusations of misogyny and chauvinism, which have recently been directed my way. Let it be known that I am not presently, nor have I ever been...
Satan: Animals are My Kind of People
Greetings and Salutations! I trust you all are finding this interminable winter as joyless and bitter as I intended. You’ll have to forgive me for the many weeks that have passed since my last post. What can I say? The holidays are a busy time for me. If I’m not...
Apatow Disappointed With Upcoming Film’s “R” Rating
Judd Apatow Film maker and cultural juggernaut Judd Apatow is mad. And when Judd Apatow gets mad, children under the age of eighteen should be immediately removed from earshot. “It’s bull****, man,” raves a wild-eyed Apatow, spittle dripping from his unkempt...
Pothead Wins Eight Gold Medals: A Word on Michael Phelps
Another stoner wastes his life. Have you guys heard about this Michael Phelps character? Get this. He’s a 23-year old stoner who likes playing beer pong and hitting water bongs at house parties. Not only that, but these are state school house parties. What a...