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Pandora Internet Radio Never Has The Stations I Want

Shower Sing-a-long Radio – this station will explore artists and songs that display the musical trait of being the song “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias on a continuous loop.  Once a week, a different song will be played that also demonstrates musical qualities like mild rhythmic syncopation, smooth lyrics, a Latin dance style, and unfettered awesomeness.  More often than not that song will be Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” although all songs featuring a prominent falsetto – most notably The Darkness’ “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” – will be accepted.

Karaoke Night Radio – this station will explore artists and songs that have musical qualities similar to Sweet Caroline, Don’t Stop Believing, and The Piano Man (i.e. major key tonality, basic rock song structure, use of ambient synth, ubiquitous reference in pop-culture, and easy to read lyrics).  All songs will be reinterpreted by intoxicated dock workers.  A white person will occasionally perform an ironic, self-referential cover of a song with southern rap influences or a prominent banjo part.

When my Mom’s in my Apartment Radio – this station will explore artists and songs that demonstrate lyrics which are “wholesome” and “family-friendly” as defined by Tipper Gore.  Songs demonstrating a gangsta rap attitude, rebellious lyrics, or explicit descriptions of intercourse can be explored as long as they also demonstrate frequent use of euphemism like “forget you” “sucker” and “let’s get it started.” The music of Amy Grant may be explored but only the albums that were recorded before she got divorced and married Vince Gill.

Wedding Reception Radio – this station will explore artists and songs demonstrating afro-cuban influences, sultry vocals, romantic lyrics, modern r&b stylings, Sinatran influences, undertones of Michael Buble, and extensive vamping.  Seriously, more vamping than you ever thought possible.   Romantic fare will be interspersed with funk/disco influences; specifically, “Shout,” “Brick House,” and “Get Down Tonight.”  Advertisements on this station will be replaced with recordings of belligerent males reminiscing on intra-mural basketball championships.

Senior Prom Radio – this station will explore artists and songs popular in the spring of 2004 that display club rap influences, catchy hooks and beats made for dancing, frequent exclamations of “yeah!” or “What?!” and repeated exhortations to “get low.”  All of these will be interspersed at random with songs demonstrating the quality of “being by Savage Garden.”

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