I’ve had a sort of writing dry spell lately. As my legions of TTM fans have likely noticed, I haven’t contributed a whole lot to the site lately. I have a new job, a girlfriend, and the meth empire for which TTM is actually a front. What can I say? Kent and I are entrepreneurs and we saw a lucrative opportunity. I’ll tell you what though, we offer the best customer service and if you O.D. on our product, we give you your money back!
I digress. The point is, I’ve been busy. The content on the site has been mostly driven by Kent and hilarious contributors. I receive a loud voicemail every other day from Kent that is almost entirely comprised of vulgarities and racial epithets that don’t apply to me. I’m sorry buddy, but you just can’t coerce hilarity out of someone. It has to come from inspiration.
And well, I found some inspiration the other day. The following is my commentary on a list from a website called “The Frisky” about what you should teach your sons about women. What kind of website has that kind of ridiculous name? Good question. It’s a site by women, for women. Anytime a woman writes something about how men work, what men think, or generally anything about men, you can almost guarantee that it’s completely wrong. This list is a decent example of that, although I do agree with some of what it says. The rest of it… well… You’ll see. Here it is. The list itself will be in bold, my comments will be in italics. Bon Appetit, gluttons.
Hello again TTM readers. As you know, occasionally I run “news” articles where I cover the latest news and various other happenings in The Talking Mirror universe. It’s about time for another one.
First we have a little news article submitted to me by our webmaster Isaac the Conqueror:
Gay Penguins are raising babies in Germany! Evangelical Penguins beware!!!
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TTM interviewed Carrie Prejean (for realz, 3 questions!) on Twitter. We’re now dating.
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Kurt Luchs wrote a sweet serious prose piece, if you’re seriously feeling serious. There’s a linky down in the article.
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I recorded a video with a hilarious punchline. It’s worth the watch. You will laugh, guaranteed.
It’s about two gay penguins that raise an adopted egg. No, this isn’t a nightmare from a conservative children’s book writer. Apparently it’s news from some German zoo. I’m not sure if anyone in the world really gives a damn about the fact that this is happening or has happened, but if they do I have a couple ideas of some potential perspectives that might arise on the issue. Read the full story
2/9/2009 Well well well – an update. I decided that I’d try to get this video thing going even after running the article, just to “test the waters.” So instead of using YouTube – which apparently sucks – I decided to use Vimeo, which has been a great experience. Now understand a few things about this video before you watch it: 1. this is like the 5th take. 2. I improvised the entire thing 3. I said “ladies and gentlemen” too many times, and the video is probably a couple minutes too long. Either way, this is our first voyage into the world of video, so please join us as we explore this scary new world.
If you haven’t heard the doomsday theories about 2012, you’re living under a rock. Or you’re Kent, who also didn’t know what the hell I was talking about when I pitched this article idea. Or maybe you’re living in a beautiful fantasy world, blissfully ignorant of all of the painfully stupid people that surround us. They’re everywhere, and they’re killing me.
So what is this whole 2012 thing, besides the premise to a new apocaplyptic Roland Emmerich film? Well, you’ve heard of the Mayans, right? Yeah, those people that sacrificed people in crazy ways in order to appease their gods. I know, I thought Benny Hinn was bad. Anyway, apparently these people were real legit astronomers or something. When they got bored with disemboweling people and cutting out their hearts while they were still alive, they made up this sweet calender that has a cycle that ends on December 21, 2012. No one knows how or why, except that it has something to do with the sun coming into alignment with the center of the Milky Way. My first thought was “that’s stupid, they didn’t have Milky Ways back then.” Turns out it’s even dumber than that. No one has any real justifications about why they think that the end of this Mayan cycle signals doom, death, and destruction. Seriously. It’s just when the cycle ends, and people have interpreted that as meaning Mother Earth is finally going to get fed up with us crapping on her all the time and is just going to explode or something. I feel like I remember another ominous date that spawned lots of doomsday talk. And lots of end of the world movies? Hmmm… Seems pretty recent. What was that? Read the full story
Typically, I try to avoid writing the same article over and over again. It’s boring, it’s uncreative, and it shows just how lazy and unoriginal I really am. I spend every single day trying to convince everyone that I’m a hilarious comedic genius. Writing the same “News in Review” article every week just sets that whole facade right on fire. But you know what ladies and gentlemen? These two news pieces were just too good for me to leave untouched. They’re both from FoxNews.com, which you can either applaud or decry depending on your specific political leanings and whether or not you’re afraid of Ann Coulter. The first article pretty clearly wouldn’t come from any other news agency but FoxNews, but the second (and the infinitely more awesome) could have easily come from CNN or MSNBC. It just didn’t. So, liberals, put on your hazmat suits and click the damn links. You’ll survive. Read the full story
Apparently Rosie O’Donnell’s “variety show” bombed after one episode. It might actually be news to you that she had a variety show in the first place. That’s probably because you’re in your right mind and would never give her a show unless the lives of all your loved ones depended on it, like on some episode of 24. The people who financed the production of her show, however, were obviously not in their right minds. Anyone could have told them that they could have used that money to fund a show that is worthwhile rather than giving Rosie “I-make-Charles-Manson-look-sane” O’Donnell a chance to liberally not make people laugh. This is a woman who got booted from The View, a show where women sit around and talk about things in womanly sorts of ways. You’d think that they’d be used to a little bit of crazy, what with a show that is essentially a cauldron filled with a mix of estrogen, menopause, and violently opposing opinions. Nay, says The View; Rosie O’Bonkers took it over the line like That Guy who thinks dead baby jokes are funny. “Yikes man,” we say to That Guy, “too much.”
Rest, my fellow Americans. Your fears of more exposure to Rosie’s harmful levels of lunacy are thus allayed. Read the full story
We appreciate you, our consistent readership. We really do. We don’t get paid for this, so your emotional support and monetary donations really do mean a lot to us. Specifically the monetary donations. Whenever anyone wants to start the trend by giving us one of those, that’d be fantastic. One of our (assumedly) faithful readers sent me an article and asked that The Talking Mirror make fun of it. I like that idea. So, let this be a notice to all of you other people reading this: if you find something that you think is ridiculous but you’re also kind of boring and aren’t good with jokes, post a comment with a link or the idea and we’ll see about verbally abusing that subject. After all, we could use the help. Kent and I can’t keep up with absolutely everything in the world all at once, especially with the legions of women constantly trying to get us to date them. Seriously. Legions.
Today we’re looking at an article from some snotty British news site about a lingerie set that comes fitted with a GPS tracking system. Apparently it has pissed off some feminist types because they think it’s like a modern chastity belt, saying “It’s nothing more than a chastity belt for insecure men.” There are lots of problems with this statement. First, let’s explain it. This lady is saying that men will buy this lingerie for their lady-friends so that they can keep tabs on them and make sure they’re not whoring around town Paris Hilton style. That’s understandable I guess. I mean, where’s the trust? The love? The prenuptial agreement? But here’s the problem with her argument: A chastity belt is meant to keep someone from having sex. Lingerie is worn to make a woman sexually appealing in order to promote sex. To say that a piece of sexy lingerie promotes chastity is kind of like saying a condom promotes abstinence. Doesn’t really make any sense. Read the full story
