March is past, and with it went the somber recognition of D-Day, or “Divorce Day,” the day when Amy Grant officially filed for divorce from her husband Gary Chapman. On March 4th Christians all over the nation wore black to signify the symbolic death of Amy Grant’s Christian faith, in addition to wearing wedding rings on all ten fingers in support of the covenant of marriage.

“That was the worst day of my life,” says Walter Lincoln, a long time fan and a saintly Christian. “It was almost as if Amy [Grant] had died for real. I wept for a while, and then I just crushed my [Amy Grant] CDs with my Bible. It just weighed so heavily on my heart.” It was a dark day, indeed. Our sources tell us that on that day alone in 1999, 14 billion Amy Grant CDs and tapes were destroyed, most of them by ritualistic fire.* According to the RIAA, the demographic that most commonly purchased Amy Grant records changed after March 4th, 1999 from almost entirely Christian to mostly Satan worshippers.**

Read the full story

Popularity: 8% [?]

Being a member of a youth group at Church will teach you a lot of things. You may (hopefully) learn about the Christian faith. You may learn about friendship, romance, or conflict resolution. Maybe you’ll even witness for the first time that yes, farts can indeed be ignited into flames (and it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen).

What you’ll definitely witness and likely take part in, however, is the time-honored practice of the Christian Knock-Off. You see, we Christians don’t like to be original. We’re rip-off Jews, what are we supposed to do?

We take what the “secular” world produces, and we say “Hey, that’s super rad! But since it’s secular it’s probably going to hell along with everyone at MSNBC and Stephanie Meyer. We should make our own version of it so that we can make sure it goes to heaven too!” From music to movies to t-shirts, if you make it, we’ll take it, throw it in the washer a bunch of times so it shrinks and fades, draw a cross on it with a Sharpie, and sell it at LifeWay. Read the full story

Popularity: 17% [?]

Last Thursday Joel Osteen, senior pastor of Lakewood “Church” in Houston, Texas revealed to the world that he had

He didn't know Jesus was such a stickler.

recently read the Gospels for the first time during a segment of the MTV Special True Life: I’m Joel Osteen. “Ya know, I decided it was about time I toughed it through all four Gospels. They’re super long but I mean, I am a pastor, right?” Osteen said laughingly in his charming Texan accent. The author of Your Best Life Now, a theological dissertation concerning the Biblical hermeneutic of success, was shocked at the lack of material prosperity present in the words of Jesus. “I tell you what, I don’t get it. Where’s the prosperity in the Gospels? Jesus didn’t own anything really. Not a yacht, not a Merc[edes], or, well, whatever their equivalents were back in the 1600′s when He was alive. What would that be, a carriage? I don’t know. You get my point.” Osteen went on in shock as he described how Jesus told his followers to give up everything and follow Him, rather than telling them to “invest everything wisely in solid mutual funds” or how “being a good steward means being successful in the stock market.” The story of the rich young man was apparently the straw that broke the pastor’s back. “And then, and then, Jesus goes and tells the rich guy to sell everything and give it to the poor? Everything Jesus? Everything? You can’t be serious.” Read the full story

Popularity: 22% [?]

Osteen discovers an eighth step to becoming a better you

HOUSTON (AP) – Popular “Christian” author and “pastor” Joel Osteen realized last week, to his deepest chagrin, that it actually takes eight steps to become a better person, contrary to the seven step plan outlined in his bestselling book Become a Better You: 7 Keys to Improving Your Life Every Day.

During his “devotional time” yesterday, Mr. Osteen realized that he had inadvertently omitted the supremely-important final step, “Makeover your smile with Crest Whitestrips®!  Available for as low as $7.99 at a retailer near you!”

“I can’t believe I forgot to put that in there,” said a distraught Osteen.  “The final key is absolutely integral to becoming a better person.  The other seven all hinge on the successful completion of step eight.”

The news that the first printing was incomplete did not surprise early readers.  Most report feeling completely unchanged by the book, unless one counts the $14.95 that was taken out of their wallet to purchase it.

Osteen has recalled all copies of the book and hopes to have the new edition out by early June. Read the full story

Popularity: 46% [?]

"Hello, we're from the Mahdi Babysitting Service. Enjoy your date night!"

“Anti-American cleric Muqtada al-Sadr — long a thorn in the side of the US military and Iraqi government — intends to disarm his once-dominant Mahdi Army militia and remake it as a social-services organization.” — Wall Street Journal, August 5, 2008

We renounce and deplore every form of partisanship. It is time for all Iraqis to put aside their differences and come together to rebuild our ravaged land. Here’s how we in the Mahdi Army pledge to help:

EDUCATION — Universal education is a goal that men and women of good will from all nations can enthusiastically support. Though should the women support it too enthusiastically, we may have the regrettable duty of setting them on fire. The basic curriculum consists of the writings of al-Sadr, the writings of Marx, and just a smattering of “Everything I Need to Know I Learned in the Madrassa.”

HOUSING — Every Iraqi citizen should own his (or her!) own home, if only to have a convenient window from which to aim a Kalashnikov. We are working with Habitat for Humanity to provide safe, inexpensive dwellings for our people, and with Habitat for Subhumanity to provide free-range, chicken-wire lean-tos for Sunnis. Read the full story

Popularity: 69% [?]

Joe, Kevin, and Nick Jonas.  The names alone are enough to inspire envy, lust, wrath, and most of the remaining deadly sins.  In newspaper columns, entertainment blogs, and multi-colored notes passed during seventh period, this trio of troubadours has been called everything from “pre-pubescent harbingers of the apocalypse” to “OMG!  Sooooo hott!!”

Unfortunately, most of these knee-jerk professions of love and loathing are of little substance as they fail to first provide a context whereby we might understand ourselves in relation to The Jonas Brothers.  Pundits and pre-teens prattle on about peripheral issues like anti-intellectual lyrics, sequined vests, and dimples, while the boys’ influences and interests are entirely ignored.

Do not be fooled.  The Jonas Brothers are far more than just another experimental, avant-progressive noise band bursting onto the post-pop moonscape.  They are heirs to a storied rock and roll tradition with influences ranging from the Dance-Punk scene of late-1970s London to the earthy incantations of pre-colonial Africa. Read the full story

Popularity: 66% [?]

WHEATON (AP) – The Talking Mirror has received word that after three years of platonic male friendships, local college junior Sandra Williams is finally “one of the guys.”  Sandra received the long-awaited news last week in the form of a flatulent emission made in her presence by Doug “D Dawg” Samuels while the two gorged on fried pork rinds and watched Borat.

“They’re always talking about farts and burps,” said Sandra, “and a couple times I’ve talked to Doug on the phone while he was going to the bathroom, but this is the first time one of the boys has actually farted in front of me.  It’s kind of flattering.”

While Sandra has long answered to traditionally male monikers like “brah,” “broseph,” and “duder,” it wasn’t until she made an off-color joke during a visit to Lincoln Park Zoo’s primate exhibit that the guys realized she was one of them. Read the full story

Popularity: 46% [?]

CHARLESTON (AP) – Local 3rd grade teacher and 2007 college graduate Chad Thompson was quite literally speechless last weekend when he came to the shocking realization that he had exhausted his store of collegiate anecdotes.

Witnesses report that Thompson had just finished regaling the gathered crowd at Fellowship Baptist’s 4^th Annual Singles BBQ with an engaging tale of a dorm prank involving his roommate, some traffic flares, and a bath tub full of grape Jello, when a look of utter helplessness overtook his face.  Friends watched as Thompson shuffled over to the grill and spent the rest of the evening quietly downing jumbo franks and Dr. Thunders.

It was not until days later that Thompson finally broke the news to those close to him.  Apartment mate Jack Wells expressed sadness, but not surprise.  “He’s been slipping lately.  I’ve heard a few repeats over the past several months, and he’s even started telling other people’s stories as his own.  This is a day we’ll all have to face, but it doesn’t make it any easier.  He still has so many years ahead of him.”

In an emailed statement to The Talking Mirror, Thompson expressed regret that he had somehow only managed to compile two years worth of stories during his five undergrad years at The University of West Virginia.  “My kids are going to think I’m a complete lame-o,” said Thompson.  “But, then again, without any charming tales of youthful antics, I’ll probably never be able to convince a woman to join me in holy matrimony.  So maybe the kids won’t be a problem.”

Thompson blames his high school girlfriend, Sudoku, and Japanese anime for his shortage of sufficiently amusing anecdotes.

Thompson (far right) and friends, just moments before the incident.

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What up bros and brominas? This post is gonna be a bit on the stubby side because it’s tourney time and my bracket is kickin some serious ace! (Booyah kasha!  Respect!)

I just wanted to say a few words about something that’s been on a lot of people’s minds recently.  No, not the economy, tans, or Obama’s retard joke.  I’m talking about Lent.  Some of you may not believe that The Chadster observes this ancient religious season.  And you would be correct.  Typically, I observe only two seasons: football season and off-season.  But this year I had a change of heart.  Actually, one of my bro-mates bet me fifty bucks  I couldn’t go a whole month without saying the F word.  I told him, “Brodank, make it $75.00 and The Chadmeister will be “F” free until Easter.”  Later, I found out this is called “giving something up for Lent.”

I did a bit of research on the intertron about this whole Lent thing.  I remember going to church with my mom when I was little and the pastor would come by and smear Oreo crumbs or protein powder or something on  our foreheads, and then we would all be sad for awhile, but I figured that was just a Des Moines thang.  Turns out it’s called Ash Wednesday (not Hash Wednesday like I thought) and it signals the beginning of Eastertime.  Also, lots of people give up lots of different stuff for Lent.  Dudes give up beer.  Chicks give up eating. Homeless people give up working (Haha! Just kidding, but not really).  Catholic people even do what I did and quit saying a word for Lent (their word is “hallelujah” which I think is some kind of Christian swear). Read the full story

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1. There is to be no kissing until the wedding day.
2. There is to be no kissing until we’re sure we could see ourselves marrying each other.
3. Kissing is officially sanctioned as long as it is not too noisy and not in the style of the French.
4. The style of the French is acceptable as long as the kissing session does not exceed 10 minutes.
5. French kisses lasting longer than 10 minutes will be allowed on the condition that they are immediately followed by a Bible study of equivalent duration.
6. Bible study time is NOT to be spent kissing.  If kissing occurs, those minutes must be deducted from Bible study time and added to kissing time, thereby increasing the number of required Bible study minutes necessary to balance the ledger.
7. Bible studies will no longer be held by the light of “prayer candles” in my beanbag chair.
8. Never again will we inhabit my bedroom at the same time.
9. Never again will we inhabit your little sister’s bedroom at the same time.
10. No more hanging out after dark.
11. Sunday will henceforth be a “day of rest” during which we cease from our labors of love and abstain from all kissing.
12. An article of clarification: Sunday begins at 12:00am Central Daylight Time and ends at 11:59pm Central Daylight Time.  No, it is not “always Monday somewhere.” For purposes of consistency, Eskimo Kisses, Butterfly Kisses, and Camel Kisses will be included under the umbrella definition of a “kiss” and therefore forbidden on Sundays.  No longer will distinctions be drawn between kissing, making out, sucking face, tongue wrestling, or tonsil tickling.  All are forms of kissing.  All are forbidden.
13. Violations of the Sunday Policy that occur at church will not be counted.
14. One of us should be wearing a shirt at all times.
15. And pants.
16. Eff it.  Anything goes as long as it’s too dark to see each other.
17. OMG.  Rule #16 is hereby rescinded and the “No Kissing Until Marriage Rule” is back in place.  Effective immediately!
18. In light of Rule #17, it is not prudent for us to accompany each other to any of the following places: movie theaters, parking lots, country roads, pay-by-the-hour motels, libraries, or mini vans.
19. It is not healthy for us to fight our natural, God-given instincts.  This relationship will no longer be bound by rules, it will be governed by love.  We will henceforth comport ourselves responsibly – in accordance with our upbringing and the guiding light of Scripture – without recourse to laws and systems of man’s devising.
20. We will get married quickly and quietly before her pregnancy becomes visibly apparent.

Popularity: 47% [?]