Written by Zac Chastain

Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my

Haha love that song. SO, 25 things about me. Love it bitchezzzzz:

1. When I was in seventh grade, a few friends and I were on a girl scout’s camping trip in the Adirondacks. I had a .22 rifle and wanted to hunt for squirrels. I asked a few girls to come along, and they agreed under the condition that I not shoot a “baby” squirrel. “Typical,” I thought, but not wanting to hunt alone I conceded and off we went. The girls were foraging for berries when we all heard a rustling in the shrubs ahead and stopped dead. One of the girls, Carole, started whimpering. The rustling became a stomping. Someone said the word “bear” and I trained the rifle in the direction of the approaching noise. All at once there was a crash, and before I knew it I had fired a shot. The shape of a black-and-red flanneled hunter fell out of the bushes and thumped to the ground. Someone screamed. Recognizing the pandemonium that was about to ensue, I took action and held the rifle to Carole’s head, then swore every girl there to silence. I organized a recovery team, made up of Susan and Beth, to drag the corpse to a nearby lake. And the whole matter was over in time for smores.

2. I make a strong first impression. You either like me, or you don’t.

3. I love my kitten Darlene. She is my baby girl.

4. Come between me and my Sour Patch Kids and I will END YOU.  *kiss face*.

5. I love my Dad and he is the most important person to me in the world.

6. Despite what people ASSume (lol, always remember that saying, “When you assume you make an ASS out of U and ME!”), beneath my “powerful woman” exterior is not a wounded woman but rather a steel core of stick-to-it-ivity.

7. Eggplant. Gross. Seriously.

8. I absolutely adore the saxophone. Every time I hear it I want to live my vida loca. A saxophone in the right hands is like a magic wand, just say hocus and I’ll want to pocus! RAH LA LA!! haha *sticks tongue out*

9. Whenever I’m writing my speeches (YES I write my own, h8ters) I listen to Jock Jams 4. Best J.J. album yet.

10. I do have regrets.

11. I’m SUCH a bitch when I eat out at restaurants, and my friends get so embarrassed. But I simply do not take attitude from waitresses.

12. One of my biggest regrets right now is that my daughter doesn’t respect me enough to trust my decisions.

12. I love my LADIES and I would not be who I am without them. My friends are HOTTER than yours!! (ps: uh, can anyone say sb2k9 MIAMI?! holla!)

13. Some people go inward with their hurt. Like, if they receive harsh criticism, they’ll ask to be excused and maybe cry about it in the shower later that night. I process my hurt outwardly.

14. I was listening to Regina Spektor’s “Samson” when I realized that I couldn’t live without Bill and I had to take him back.

15. “Your hair was long, when we first met…” — Every time.

16. At the end of Garden State, when they’re staring into the abyss, I always get chills. It just hits me so hard, you know. It’s like, this is it, you know? This infinity, this moment is eternal and yet it doesn’t even exist. Such a brilliant film.

17. I honestly regret that I’ve clearly made choices that have somehow made my own daughter not trust me enough to make my own decisions about my medications.

18. I find yoga to be pornographic.

19. I really don’t think I’ll die alone. Statistically, it’s just not that likely for me.

20. I have the WEIRDEST dreams. My staff cannot get enough of the crazy stuff I tell them!

21. I guess more than anything, I regret that my daughter seems to believe she knows more about modern pharmaceuticals than my friend Jeff, who is a DOCTOR and who, contrary to what her skank friend Angela says, I have NOT been meeting at the YMCA.

22. I don’t sweat the small stuff. Life’s too short. Gotta smell those roses, gotta stop and smell ’em yup yup.

23. I kill drifters.

24. J/K! Did I get ya?

25. Whenever I hear spontaneously erupting choruses of “Go-bama, go-bama, go-bama” inside the White House I just smile to myself, a secret smile all my own, and I say, “No. This is good. This is so good, Hil baby. You’ve got all the time in the world.”

Sarah Palin
Joel Osteen
Papa Smurf
John Wilkes Booth