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The Horror, The Horror: A Word on Female Fashion

gigantic sunglasses

Can I talk to you for five minutes about female fashion?  Now most of you are probably thinking, “Come on Kent, if you’re talking about anything pertaining to women it’ll take a lot less than five minutes to say everything you know.”  And that makes me think, “That’s hurtful and slanderous and, frankly, I resent the unflattering implications.” Which of course makes you think, “Well, if the shoe fits…” To which I in return think, “Touché my friend, touché.”  It’s true, I know very little about the primary female-centric issues: handbags, toenail hygiene, and feelings.  But the great thing about female fashion is that it is not actually a female issue, it’s a male issue.  And as with all male issues, I am the final word and keynote speaker.

I say female fashion is a male issue because the only reason women buy clothing not made out of sweat pants is to attract the attention of men.   This is ironic when you consider that the only reason men pay attention to women is because they want to take their clothes off.  It’s all very circular and self-defeating. (Note: I am generalizing here.  In truth, it’s not all men who are interested solely in seeing girls naked, just the ones who have been to prom, college, or R-rated movies.)  Girls use their clothing to let men know that they are “cute,” “classy,” “interested in promiscuous sex,” and dozens of other noteworthy traits which would otherwise take hours (sometimes as many as 3 or 4) to ascertain.

This is why it is so important that female fashion be truthful and transparent. (Note: wink.)  Since clothing constitutes roughly 90% of all non-verbal, inter-gender communication, it is essential that it not distort the communication process.  For example, there’s nothing more frustrating than talking to a girl whose pants declare her to be “Juicy” only to find out that she is…well, actually I guess I don’t really know what to expect from a “juicy” girl, but you get the point.  When I see a girl walking around with “naughty” written across her butt, she darn well better be naughty!  If we ever hope to understand each other, we must have truth in clothing!  This is why we must do away with the biggest liar in the women’s fashion industry: gigantic-ass sunglasses.

Unlike other clothing atrocities like Uggs, Crocs, and Chicago Bears jerseys, gigantic-ass sunglasses have received far less derision than they deserve; yet another example of major media’s bias toward stupid accessories.  This silence has allowed the scourge of the gigantic-ass sunglass to explode into a global pandemic.

The primary problem with gigantic-ass sunglasses is that they cast a shroud of mystery and suspicion over one of the more overlooked parts of a girl, her face.  When a good-hearted man makes the effort to take note of a woman’s face and finds it obscured by Frisbees, he is not likely to make the effort again.  These birthday clown glasses conceal not only the eyes but the cheeks, eyebrows, most of the nose, and regions of the lower forehead as well.

This leaves only the upper forehead and the mouth/chin combo area by which respectful suitors can appraise a lady’s physical charm (aka: suitability for marriage).  Considering 95% of girls born since the invention of makeup and braces have a pretty decent mouth/chin combo area, this is woefully inadequate.  If the eyes are in fact the window to the soul, men have no choice but to assume that any woman wearing Elton John hand-me-downs has a soul made of sun tans, sequins, and little else.

There is more that should be said on the theme of face-covering.  Interestingly enough, gigantic-ass sunglasses are similar in effect, albeit not in appearance, to another popular women’s fashion item: the birka.  Well, I guess they’re technically the anti-birka, but they accomplish the same thing.  Once a person puts them on, no one else has any idea what they look like.  You can cover everything except the eyes or you can cover only the eyes.  In either case, the woman’s identity is shielded from the world.  (There is of course the whole “modesty” thing, but, come on!  Are we really going to split hairs over Islamic cultural mores?)

If that doesn’t spur you into action, there is another even more terrifying Middle East parallel to consider.  Most girls wearing gigantic-ass sunglasses will only take them off if they are going indoors.  Most of these girls only go indoors at yogalates centers, Pinkberry, or vegan restaurants.  If they are interacting with males sans sunglasses it is usually in dimly-lit hip-hop clubs, cocktail lounges, or mini-vans.  This creates a unique paradigm unseen since The Old Testament.  Thanks to gigantic-ass sunglasses it is now possible for a man to get married to a woman without actually seeing her face before the wedding day.  This didn’t really work out for Jacob.  Why should we expect to fare any better?

In the end, the scourge of the gigantic-ass sunglasses is not really a men’s issue or a women’s issue, it’s a human issue.  Elton started it (I guess men can still claim him).  Women have perpetuated it.  It will take all of us to stop it.

In closing, I would like to submit the following list of superheroes whose masks cover less of their face than the average pair of women’s sunglasses:

  1. Superman
  2. Robin
  3. The Green Lantern
  4. The Tick
  5. The Incredibles (all of them)
  6. Harry Potter

That is all.

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