Billy Mays Wants To Sell You Some Weed
The kind people at YankeePotRoast have recently published an article of mine. Tragically, Billy Mays, the famed television pitchman and inspiration for the article, passed away yesterday. The editors at YPR decided to go ahead with the post as the article was intended...
The Beginning of the End: Life After College, Part 3
This is the third in an infinite part series about life after college. With my recent migration from Chicago to California many aspects of my post-collegiate life have changed significantly. Not only did I trade gang violence for illegal immigration and political...
Biased Reviews: Harry Potter Tears Twilight a New Dumbledore
By: Harry Potter Those of you out there who have spent over 500 weeks on the New York Times Bestsellers List will know the…oh wait…that’s right. I’m the only one who’s done that. I guess I’ll just tell you. Once you’ve been the king, it is difficult to bear an...
Things That Would Upset Me Less Than Seeing Brett Favre Play For the Minnesota Vikings
Too horrible for words Getting fired Getting cheated on Getting set on fire Getting stabbed with a Swiss Army knife Being single at 35 Amputation of up to three limbs Forcible, involuntary gender-reassignment surgery Complete melting of the polar ice caps Selling...
The Horror, The Horror: A Word on Female Fashion
Can I talk to you for five minutes about female fashion? Now most of you are probably thinking, “Come on Kent, if you’re talking about anything pertaining to women it’ll take a lot less than five minutes to say everything you know.” And that makes me think, “That’s...
The DMV vs. Airport Security – A Comparative Study
Few things this side of Kanye West can inspire within Americans the wrath and righteous indignation caused by the Department of Motor Vehicles and airport security. These dens of iniquity are similar to most government agencies in that the quality of one’s life is...
Apocalypse Yesterday: A Word on California (Part 2)
I’m sorry, but I’m going to need five more minutes of your time to talk about California. I don’t usually like asking for extra time like this, but the state has the girth and ego of three states so there’s really no way I could describe the full extent of its...
My LinkedIn Networking Requests Require Some Customization
This article was published this week by our partners in parody over at The Big Jewel. If you haven’t been to The Big Jewel yet, this blurb will tell you everything you need to know: “It’s about time there’s a Web portal aimed at large Hasidim like myself. I applaud...
Everybody’s Doing It: A Word on Black Friday
Can I talk to you for five minutes about the Friday after Thanksgiving? Those of you who have been with TTM since our humble, semi-literate beginnings may recall that last year I was on the receiving end of this dark day in my capacity as an overwhelmed assistant...
I Got Your Annual Review Right Here: A Word on Accountability
Can I talk to you for five minutes about corporate life? As of this writing, I have spent sixteen consecutive months in the wasteland of the working world. This is far longer than I initially intended, and is especially shocking when you consider how popular it is...
Jersey Shore: The Best Thing to Happen to Reality TV Since OJ Simpson
This is not the article I wanted to write. When I set out to write a review of MTV’s controversial new reality show Jersey Shore, I had a pretty good idea of how it was going to go. I was going to write my standard (dare I say “trademark?”), long-winded rant which...
My Beer Could Beat Up Your Laptop: A Word on Competitive Advertising
Can I talk to you for five minutes about a recent trend in television advertising? I don’t know about you, but I’ve been feeling downright neglected by my TV lately. It’s like it doesn’t even recognize my existence anymore. Granted, it’s never been the most...