This past weekend I had the privilege to participate in the wedding of my best friend from college. It was a beautiful ceremony, a fun reception, and an all-around perfect weekend from start to finish. This, of course, is because the entire thing was planned and executed by women. Sure there were men present, but our only responsibility was to stand still and try not to get yelled at. It is a well-documented fact that whenever a man plans anything two things inevitably happen: things start to smell bad and something explodes (see: rock concerts, state fairs, the Hindenburg, et al). This would not do at a wedding. We want them to be pretty and classy and we don’t want anyone to throw up; so the men are kept on the sidelines where they can make sex jokes and start pre-gaming for the reception.
I understand these gender roles are immutable and intrinsic in every wedding. Even so, I can’t help but think any wedding would benefit from my artistic eye and CD collection. I’ve got dreams too, you know? I know one of these days I’ll sit down to plan my own wedding with some girl I’ve tricked into falling in love with me and she’ll ask me, “What do you think about this?” And I’m going to do what no man has ever done before. I’m going to tell her. And it’s not going to sound like “whatever makes you happy, baby.” It’s going to sound like this:
Groomsmen attire: Top hats and canes all around. Monocles will be available but not required. The best man and I will have swords instead of canes. The groomsmen will also be asked to choreograph a Vaudeville-style song and dance number to be performed while me and missus light the “Unity Bottle Rockets.”
Bridesmaid attire: Bikinis. Tasteful ones, of course.
Church décor: Lots of movie posters. I’m thinking Fight Club, Shawshank Redemption, Boondock Saints, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, The Big Lebowski, Pulp Fiction, and Animal House should start us off nicely. The center aisle will be carpeted with artificial turf and decorated to look like a football field from the end zone to the 20 yard line. Glow sticks will be used liberally.
Ceremony Music: She will walk down the aisle to AC/DC’s reimagining of “Here Comes the Bride.” There will be two solos. One will be “Our Song” by Taylor Swift. The other will be “Underneath Your Clothes” by Shakira.
Scripture Readings: Matthew 1:1-17 (Abraham to Jesus, it’s beautiful), Tobit 4:3, That one verse in Ephesians that talks about how the woman has to do whatever the man says.
Reception Music: Four words: Beastie Boys cover band. If one cannot be found we will have a DJ. This DJ should do his best to replicate my senior prom, because it was awesome. To that end, the playlist will be comprised entirely of hip-hop and R&B songs popular in the spring of 2004.
Reception Food: Chipotle burritos, Chik-fil-a chicken nuggets, Totino’s pizza rolls, ham and cheese Hot Pockets, Flintstones push-pops. Trash can punch will be the only drink available (delicious and economical!).
The Cake: A towering pyramid of Funfetti with vanilla frosting.
Reception Entertainment: A bunch of midgets walking around juggling knives, breathing fire, swallowing swords, fighting to the death, etc.
Transportation: We will leave the reception in a gilded chariot pulled by eight zebras. The surviving midget will go ahead of us on a tricycle firing a pistol to announce our approach.
That ought to get us started. Bros, am I missing anything?