Let’s get one thing straight from the get-go: this guide isn’t written from personal experience. I am from Texas and Kent is from Texas’ attic (also known as Oklahoma) and everybody knows people south of the Mason-Dixon line are born with a certain charm that the ladies can’t resist. Top that off with starting our own awesome, super successful, multi-million dollar humor franchise and, well, let’s just say we don’t need this guide. Two women once fist fought each other in a bar over getting Kent’s email address. Not even his phone number. This other chick straight tackled me and begged me to go out on a date with her and her twin sister. That’s right. Loving the life we live, living the life we love. Anyway, enough about me and my totally serious, completely real and non-delusional life.
And another thing: Although Kent and I are undoubtedly irresistible and statuesque, we’re also not condoning fornication or promiscuity. We’re good Christian boys and we’re also afraid of children and gonorrhea. I’m here to teach you how to get a date and maybe even a really sloppy french kiss that was probably better in your imagination.
Maybe you’re not super awesome with babes like Kent and I are; maybe, in fact, you’re bad with women. Hey buddy, get that chin up and hold your head up high. Today is a bright new day with tons of sexy possibilities. Let’s get out there and ask them out on a date.
For this guide I’m going to use a Do’s and Don’ts format. If you can’t figure that out, I can’t help you. Go join a cult or an internet dating website and get out of my sight. You’re breathing sexy air, and it’s obviously wasted on you.
Step One: Meeting a Girl
This is often the most challenging part of the entire dating experience. There are many ways to meet a girl and they vary in degrees of pain and toil. From an arranged marriage to buying a girl a beer down at your local Hooters, different skills are necessary to keep yourself from winding up dateless and alone at the end of the night, stuck back at your apartment playing World of Warcraft until the sun comes up while you down a few pounds of stale Cheetos. Hey! Stop that. Stop thinking that sounds like a good night. It’s not. You want to spend some time and money on a lady. Listen to me, I know what’s good for you.
Do: Refer to a girl as “dude,” “bro,” or “man.” Chicks love to feel like they’re just “another one of the guys.” You should probably only approach women who are sitting next to or on the lap of a large, muscular man. This man is most likely either related to her or a paid security agent. When you introduce yourself, offer to buy her the cheapest beer the bar has. Your opening line should be “Hey hottie, you ready for me to rock that body?” The large muscular man will most likely high five you for your sweet line, and you will get the girl’s phone number.
Don’t: Respectfully introduce yourself by simply saying “Hi, my name is ___. What’s your name?” B-O-R-I-N-G. Don’t look her in the eyes or act interested in what she has to say. She wants you to act like you don’t care. It’s a “hard to get” thing that chicks like.
Step Two: Talking to a Girl
This can be confusing as women often speak in their own language called “Womanese.” It’s very complicated and nonsensical and often requires some level of telepathy. I tried taking it as my second language in college but was denied because apparently “if you don’t already know then you obviously don’t care.”
Do: Stare directly at whatever designs or text that are on the chest area of her blouse or shirt. Women want to know that you’re interested in their fashion choices. Ladies express their personalities through their clothes. When you stare at the fun slogan on the chest area of their shirt, you’re saying “Hey, I’m really interested in you and not just your body.”
Don’t: Ask questions about what they do for a living, what TV shows they like, or what books they read. Women don’t have interesting jobs, they only watch Gilmore Girls or Sex in the City which are both shows that suck, and women don’t read books. If you ask about these things it will only bring these painful facts to light and you will instantly ruin your chances of love.
Step Three: The Date
Everybody knows that the first date is crucial. Luckily for us, it’s also the easiest step out there. Despite their crazy woman language and the weird way that they communicate with each other using only their eyes, it’s pretty easy to figure out what women want.
Do: Take them places you like. Sports bar? Yes indeed! Ladies love sitting around while you drink beer and curse at televisions. McDonald’s? Absolutely! This shows her that you’re frugal, you’re fun, and you’re father material. Whenever she orders her meal, go ahead and surprise her with how much of a high roller you are – Supersize that bad boy. She won’t know what to do with herself.
Don’t: Do the well thought out, high class, candlelight dinner at an expensive restaurant thing. That horse is tired my friend, it’s time we give it a rest. She wants to see that you think outside of the box, not that you’re a slave to “old fashioned traditions.” So avoid river walks, parks, or expensive theatre productions. Stick to electronics stores, Halo parties in your friend’s basement, and ESPN Classic marathons back at your place. It’s a commonly known fact that ESPN Classic gets makes the ladies get all randy. I want to high five you just thinking about it.
There you go, gents. No more excuses. Cancel your Eharmony account and get out there in the battlefield. It’s time to win this war.
Tune in next week for How to Cope with Being a Cougar: A Guide