WHEATON (AP) – The Talking Mirror has received word that after three years of platonic male friendships, local college junior Sandra Williams is finally “one of the guys.” Sandra received the long-awaited news last week in the form of a flatulent emission made in her presence by Doug “D Dawg” Samuels while the two gorged on fried pork rinds and watched Borat.
“They’re always talking about farts and burps,” said Sandra, “and a couple times I’ve talked to Doug on the phone while he was going to the bathroom, but this is the first time one of the boys has actually farted in front of me. It’s kind of flattering.”
While Sandra has long answered to traditionally male monikers like “brah,” “broseph,” and “duder,” it wasn’t until she made an off-color joke during a visit to Lincoln Park Zoo’s primate exhibit that the guys realized she was one of them.
“Sure I was revolted at first,” said longtime friend and self-proclaimed “man’s man,” Rick DeHowseur, “but I was too proud of her to let her see my disgust. It felt good knowing that Sandra can finally relate to us. The world could always use one more male and we’re happy to accept ‘Randy Sandy’ as one of our own.”
A quick scan of Sandra’s Facebook profile reveals how deeply the male influence has worked itself into her lifestyle. Her interests include “being hardcore,” “kickin a** and taking names,” and “breaking balls.” Her favorite movies are Fight Club, Boondock Saints, Superbad, and “anything with Jessica Alba.” Her favorite quotes are an off-putting assortment of Family Guy, and South Park sound bites.
“This has been a long time coming,” said Miss Williams. “I’ve always been kind of a tomboy, and it seems silly for me to be excluded from things just because I was born without a penis.”
As “one of the guys,” Sandra can now look forward to watching 4-6 hours of ESPN every day, eating Taco Bell at all hours of the night, and ascribing numerical value to the attractiveness of passing females.
While she is pleased with her admittance into the inner sanctum of masculinity, Miss Williams seems unwilling to acknowledge a downside of her new status. Namely, her permanent removal from the pool of datable co-eds. Sandra brushes off this allegation; claiming instead they are just “having fun and making sure things don’t get weird.”
Her male cohorts, however, stammer and shift awkwardly when similarly questioned. Some are “focusing on their studies,” others are “too much man for her,” one even likened Sandra to a sister or semi-attractive cousin.
While her romantic options are looking slim, Miss Williams is excited about new doors that could be opened. “I just want the guys to be completely comfortable around me. There’ll be times when I can tell they want to say something awful but they can’t because I’m there. I guess it’s thoughtful of them to try to protect me, but I’m really hoping that they won’t feel the need to hold back anymore. I can handle it.”