Have you heard? Michael Jackson is dead! I go on a little vaycay to the Bermuda Triangle for a couple of weeks and then the whole world goes to hell in a hand-basket! And it’s not even my hand-basket! I just… I just can’t believe it. It seems like just yesterday he was revolutionizing pop music and quite literally dancing my face off. What are we going to do now?
That, loyal TTM readers, is what I’ve been telling people for the past two weeks. The whole world has been in mourning, and I have been loving it. Did you see all those prisoners in the Philippines that did the Thriller jig? That little diddy got more news coverage than the tsunami I used to destroy Australia. JK I didn’t do that, but for real it was a great decoy. We tried doing something like that here in hell to celebrate, but tormented souls don’t dance so well when they’re on fire and are being reminded of all of their worst nightmares at the same time. I know. Lame.
Anyway, even the Iranians stopped protesting their most recent election to mourn the loss of MJ. I’m sure they’re happy that they aren’t so distracted by all those stupid shows about “revolution” and “injustice” that were always on so that they could catch all the beautiful specials that have been on CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, Telemundo, CNBC, MSNBC, FOX, FOXNews, E!, and Lifetime. It’s just like I said to them, “Hey guys, look over there!” and when they turned to see what it was that I was pointing at, I destroyed any sign of democracy in their nation and any hope of change. And they didn’t even care! It was like I was a fat kid in a candy store, or a pedophile at the Harry Potter premiere. I was in absolute hell! Oh, that’s good for me, by the way.
The saddest part about it all is that now Michael Jackson is truly dead. The funeral is over, taxpayers are paying for it, (boo-yah! Count that one more point for me, sluts!) and the world is once again concerned with “real news.” I can no longer go around tormenting humans without anyone caring because everyone is too busy forgetting about that time MJ settled out of court for $25 million for not molesting a child. Do you know how many old ladies got hit by cars because the driver was busy watching Sparkle Jackson (or whatever her name is) cry on their iPhone? Let me tell you the number was higher than usual, just like I was higher than usual on PCP. And by PCP I mean on pain and suffering, I don’t do drugs. You should totally check them out though, they’re like candy in pill form.
I rained out over 500 weddings, I cursed the Chicago Cubs (again), I provided giant zits for hundreds of first dates, and you know that worthless idiot two cubicles over that plays Facebook Scrabble all day long and absolutely loves Puddle of Mudd? Yeah, he got a promotion. I was spilling hot coffee on so many brand new shirts and blouses that it became a habit. There are some upset demons with stained J. Crew shirts down in hell, let me tell you.
But that’s all over now. For two weeks I was running around the world with impunity. It was like I had just gotten one of the lightning bolts in Mario Cart and everyone else was slow and tiny. Now I’m just plain old Yoshi again. I mean I guess it’s cool how some people in the world are still sad. Naturally, I dig that kind of thing. And I guess it’s good that Latoya, Janet, and Jermaine Jackson are all back in the spotlight again. They do such good work. I guess I’ll go back to subversively scaring children as “The Boogie Man” or “Eddie Murphy” again. Oh well…