Bonjour, Konnichiwa, and Hakuna Matata. I trust you all are feeling sufficiently miserable during this preposterous holiday season. I mean, for the love of David Koresh, what is all this day of thanks nonsense about anyway? Seriously, do you people really have that much to be thankful for? I can think of only three things: high definition television, Megan Fox, and gChat. There you go. Say thank you and get back to suffering through your laughably-short lives filled with disappointment, heartbreak, sun burns, and hang nails.
But, what am I saying? That’s not what you came here for. Our time is brief (and by “our” I mean “your”) so lets get down to brass tacks. As the Prince of Darkness and Commander-in-Chief of All Evil Forces Above and Below the Earth (CCAEFABE) people are constantly pestering me with all manner of trivial and uninteresting questions. Did you invent the Dentist? No, but he is a close friend. Can one actually swim in the Lake of Fire? Yes, from 12pm-8pm daily and from 8am-10pm on the weekends. How do you feel about the way you are portrayed in popular literature and film? Mostly ambivalent. R.L. Stine probably came the closest to getting me right.
Yet more than anything, people are constantly inquiring about my political leanings. People assume that, as the CCAEFABE, I have the ability to shape coup d’etats, military juntas, and prom queen elections to my liking. This is true only in part. Yes, I have been a registered voter for the past two and a half centuries, and yes, I often use movies like The Golden Compass and The Da Vinci Code to speak my message to the masses, but when it comes right down to it, I’m only one principality of the underworld, and my vote counts the same as yours. (It counts slightly more than she-devil votes as she-devils are still regarded as only 3/5 of a demon.)
Do I use that vote to expand my kingdom of darkness? Of course I do. I write myself in. With the exception of 1988 when I voted for Dukakis, I have written my name on ballots in almost 350 local, state and national elections. Some of you may call this practice wasteful, but you would be wrong. Turns out a lot of people routinely write “Satan” on their ballots. In fact, I was almost elected mayor of New Orleans in 2004. Of course, the city was destroyed by water the following year, but my contacts in Heaven assure me that that was just a coincidence. Point being, my political movement is gaining steam.
That being said, some of the more astute of you have already identified Barack Obama as perhaps the only person more qualified than myself to run this country. Points to you! In fact, I did vote for Mr. Obama earlier this month, but it’s probably not for the reasons you think I did. Well yes, he is my son, but that’s not the only reason. He also happens to be a smoker, which I have a great deal of respect for. He’s smart enough to know what tar and nicotine are doing to his body, but he does it anyway! The gall! The stone-faced indifference! That’s exactly the kind of “devil may care” attitude we need in the White House. And yes, I do care.
Also, I appreciate his stance on homosexuality. As you may suspect, I am a big supporter of the GLBT cause, and no, it’s not because it is clearly opposed by scripture (although, usually that’s reason enough). It just so happens that some of my most loyal supporters – Ryan Seacrest, Carson Daly, and Oprah to name a few – happen to be gay, and I like to throw them a bone whenever I can.
Lastly, but most significantly, John McCain is a bit jowly for my taste. Didn’t look very “presidential” if you ask me. Additionally, his running mate was clearly anointed with supernatural powers of some sort and, as a rule, I try to avoid those people. And what’s this I hear about him referring to his time in a Vietnamese torture camp as “hell on earth” or “a living hell?” What the H-E-double hockey sticks is that all about? (haha, nice one Satan) He ignores my frequent invitations to visit, and then he turns around and mouths off about my home? As if he knows what it’s like down here. I mean seriously, how pretentious can a person get?
So there you have it. Yes, I voted for Obama. Yes, I think he’ll do a great job running the world. I mean America. Is he the anti-christ? Too soon to tell. We’re still doing interviews, and he’ll get the same consideration as all the other candidates. I’ll let you know as soon as I know.