On the heels of the California Supreme Court’s controversial decision to allow gay couples get hotel rooms together, public school boards across the country have followed suit by lifting the longstanding dating restriction imposed on another justifiably marginalized sect of society, thespians.
Thespian couples have long been kept apart by tyrannical, socially-adjusted administrators who feared that the outlandish behavior of the thespians would undermine the traditional jock-cheerleader, honor student-choir girl relationships that schools encourage.
“They’re just so queer, and I of course mean that in the traditional sense, meaning strange,” said a dissenting school board member, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I don’t know. They’re definitely the gayest – and I mean happiest – kids in the school, but they seem a little, you know…off. They just seem so…oh, what’s the word I’m looking for…homo? Can I say homo?”
Thespian couples – known for their proclivity for singing, prancing, and dressing in brightly colored costumes – have long demanded the same rights that are granted to their All-American, better looking classmates. They have for years made the now widely accepted claim that their tendency toward social isolation and being overly dramatic about everything is not something they chose but something that they were born with.
“You think I would choose this lifestyle?” asked Henry Mathis, while one of his thespian friends applied blush and eye-liner to his perfectly exfoliated face. “I wish I could run, and bump chests, and high five like the other boys, but I can’t. I love skim lattes, and pedicures, and the movie Rent. I’m a thespian, and I can’t be shamed into changing.”
Opponents of the ruling claim these kids have willingly embraced thespianism, and that allowing their relationships to persist will terminally undermine the institute of dating. Protesters also cite the frequent failure of thespian marriages in Hollywood and New York as further evidence that those given over to thespianism are unfit for monogamy and the raising of children.
Senior cheerleader Ashley Ward shared with TTM her reasons for opposing the new policy.
“If we call their disgusting stage kisses and backstage grope sessions ‘dating’ then someone will have to think up a new word for what [boyfriend] Bri[an Johnston] and I are doing, because we’re definitely not doing what they’re doing.”
Despite the often-violent protests, thespian couples everywhere have crawled out of their holes and are celebrating their victory with choreographed dances and public displays of sloppy affection. Several couples mentioned that they are very much looking forward to attending prom for the first time next spring where they will undoubtedly gross out all those in attendance.