Young Adult Ministries: A Poem

I roll up to the church

Sunday at six p.m.

I find a seat in the back

As the pastor says amen.

You might think it odd

That I be at church tonight

You might question my motives

And you would probably be right.

It isn’t a normal service

That’s coaxed me from my couch to here.

I’ve come to explore a club

For people aged “college and careers.”

I’ve heard these places are cool

I’m told they can be fun

But I’m not here for that

I’m here to find “the one.”

I’m sporting a brand new polo

I’m here to mix and mingle.

I’m motivated by fear

Of the words: “28 and single.”

Didn’t find Miss Right at the bars

I haven’t seen her at the grocery

Maybe she’ll be here

At the young adults ministry.

I settle into my seat

And take stock of the scene

Predestination is in the air

And I think you know what I mean.

The sermon isn’t bad

The pastor imparts his knowledge

But I’m just trying to figure out

Which girls are still in college.

You can never be too careful

Around girls from 18 to 30.

Some might think you’re desperate

Others might find you dirty.

And they’re all kinds of trouble

Most are ready to be moms

Others are even worse:

They just got done with prom.

I mean, I just want a date

She wants kids and a beagle!

Or: I want to take her out,

I don’t even know if it’s legal!

It’s obviously not ideal

But beggars can’t choosers.

I’ll take my chances here

Over the bimbos and boozers.

My chance finally comes

After the service ends.

It’s time to walk around the room

And meet my new best friends.

I want to talk to the angel

I saw during the prayer.

Before I can even get to her

Five guys are already there.

I head for option number two

But her scene isn’t any better.

A dozen dudes saw her too

And they want to “do life together.”

I look around the room

And everywhere it’s the same.

A handful of cute girls, surrounded

By suitors spitting game.

What kind of service is this?

This is not a ministry!

This is church sanctioned speed-dating,

And I missed my opportunity.

I chat with some other guys

As we make our way toward the door.

It appears they, like me,

Have missed their chance to score.

I leave church disappointed,

But encouraged by what I saw.

I guess I’m at the right place

Just got to be quicker to the draw.

Next week I’ll do better

Next week I’ll show up on time

I’ll sit closer to the front

And I’ll be the first one in line.

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