Previously on I Kings: Our main man, Elijah, has spent the last three years kickin it in the wilderness east of the Jordan River.  Picture it like Arizona or like the episode of Man vs Wild where Bear Grylls goes to the Mojave Desert except if instead of drinking his own urine, Bear had super-smart ravens that would bring him bread and meat and whatnot.  That’s pretty much what it’s been like for the last three seasons. Apart from the occasional miraculous resurrection, it’s been pretty lame.

Episode 18: “God, Grills, and Girly-Men”

Finally, after three years, Elijah (aka E-Jay) gets a word from the Lord saying, “Go back and face your old nemesis Ahab and tell him that I’m about to rock his world and, if he’s lucky, I might even send some rain his way because – let’s be honest – all the trees are dead.”

So E-Jay walks his emaciated self back to Jerusa-Vegas and heads straight for Ahab’s house (picture Master P’s house from Season 3 of Cribs, but with bigger dungeons).  He rolls up to the door and says, “Wat up Ahab, you big dumbass?” (Yes, E-Jay has some stones.)

And Ahab’s all like, “Oh look, it’s the guy who ruined my life.”  And E-Jay’s like, “Psssh, whateva, you ruined your own life when you stopped praying and started letting your whore wife manage your career.”  And Ahab’s like, “Good point.”

So Elijah tells Ahab to text all the prophets of Asherah and all the prophets of Baal and everyone else who doesn’t think God is awesome and to tell them to meet him on top of this one mountain because he’s ready to make like Ron Artest and crack some skulls.

So everyone gets together up on Mount Carmel.  And my boy E-Jay get’s up there in front of God and everyone and says, “Hey everybody.  Thanks for coming out today.  I think your gods suck.”  (Like I said, the dude’s got some cojones.)

Now the thing to remember about the prophets of Baal and Asherah is that they’re pretty much the Twilight fans of 1500 BC.  And by that I mean: they’re a bunch of little bitches.  So no one says anything.  They just twitter amongst themselves about how Elijah is a hater and how he kind of looks like Osama Bin Laden. Read the full story

Popularity: 3% [?]

March is past, and with it went the somber recognition of D-Day, or “Divorce Day,” the day when Amy Grant officially filed for divorce from her husband Gary Chapman. On March 4th Christians all over the nation wore black to signify the symbolic death of Amy Grant’s Christian faith, in addition to wearing wedding rings on all ten fingers in support of the covenant of marriage.

“That was the worst day of my life,” says Walter Lincoln, a long time fan and a saintly Christian. “It was almost as if Amy [Grant] had died for real. I wept for a while, and then I just crushed my [Amy Grant] CDs with my Bible. It just weighed so heavily on my heart.” It was a dark day, indeed. Our sources tell us that on that day alone in 1999, 14 billion Amy Grant CDs and tapes were destroyed, most of them by ritualistic fire.* According to the RIAA, the demographic that most commonly purchased Amy Grant records changed after March 4th, 1999 from almost entirely Christian to mostly Satan worshippers.**

Read the full story

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Being a member of a youth group at Church will teach you a lot of things. You may (hopefully) learn about the Christian faith. You may learn about friendship, romance, or conflict resolution. Maybe you’ll even witness for the first time that yes, farts can indeed be ignited into flames (and it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen).

What you’ll definitely witness and likely take part in, however, is the time-honored practice of the Christian Knock-Off. You see, we Christians don’t like to be original. We’re rip-off Jews, what are we supposed to do?

We take what the “secular” world produces, and we say “Hey, that’s super rad! But since it’s secular it’s probably going to hell along with everyone at MSNBC and Stephanie Meyer. We should make our own version of it so that we can make sure it goes to heaven too!” From music to movies to t-shirts, if you make it, we’ll take it, throw it in the washer a bunch of times so it shrinks and fades, draw a cross on it with a Sharpie, and sell it at LifeWay. Read the full story

Popularity: 17% [?]

Osteen discovers an eighth step to becoming a better you

HOUSTON (AP) – Popular “Christian” author and “pastor” Joel Osteen realized last week, to his deepest chagrin, that it actually takes eight steps to become a better person, contrary to the seven step plan outlined in his bestselling book Become a Better You: 7 Keys to Improving Your Life Every Day.

During his “devotional time” yesterday, Mr. Osteen realized that he had inadvertently omitted the supremely-important final step, “Makeover your smile with Crest Whitestrips®!  Available for as low as $7.99 at a retailer near you!”

“I can’t believe I forgot to put that in there,” said a distraught Osteen.  “The final key is absolutely integral to becoming a better person.  The other seven all hinge on the successful completion of step eight.”

The news that the first printing was incomplete did not surprise early readers.  Most report feeling completely unchanged by the book, unless one counts the $14.95 that was taken out of their wallet to purchase it.

Osteen has recalled all copies of the book and hopes to have the new edition out by early June. Read the full story

Popularity: 46% [?]

Not Steve Hoey

I’m a sinner. I know that. The Bible tells me so.

But when I become a pastor, I’m going to need stories about how I’ve struggled. I need experiences that can be easily turned into a metaphor of God’s love.  For a while, I didn’t have any. How was I supposed to change people’s lives if mine had been fairly easy? I mean, sure I lied and struggled with lust, but who hadn’t? I needed something more effec­tive. More…evangelistic.

I heard about this “Homeless for a Weekend” event sponsored by my college and decided to go.

I ditched the rest of the group almost immediately upon arrival. Why? They were sissies. I wanted action. The real, uncensored part of Chicago that you don’t see on “weekend homeless vacations.” Read the full story

Popularity: 52% [?]

What up bros and brominas? This post is gonna be a bit on the stubby side because it’s tourney time and my bracket is kickin some serious ace! (Booyah kasha!  Respect!)

I just wanted to say a few words about something that’s been on a lot of people’s minds recently.  No, not the economy, tans, or Obama’s retard joke.  I’m talking about Lent.  Some of you may not believe that The Chadster observes this ancient religious season.  And you would be correct.  Typically, I observe only two seasons: football season and off-season.  But this year I had a change of heart.  Actually, one of my bro-mates bet me fifty bucks  I couldn’t go a whole month without saying the F word.  I told him, “Brodank, make it $75.00 and The Chadmeister will be “F” free until Easter.”  Later, I found out this is called “giving something up for Lent.”

I did a bit of research on the intertron about this whole Lent thing.  I remember going to church with my mom when I was little and the pastor would come by and smear Oreo crumbs or protein powder or something on  our foreheads, and then we would all be sad for awhile, but I figured that was just a Des Moines thang.  Turns out it’s called Ash Wednesday (not Hash Wednesday like I thought) and it signals the beginning of Eastertime.  Also, lots of people give up lots of different stuff for Lent.  Dudes give up beer.  Chicks give up eating. Homeless people give up working (Haha! Just kidding, but not really).  Catholic people even do what I did and quit saying a word for Lent (their word is “hallelujah” which I think is some kind of Christian swear). Read the full story

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Ding Dong…

Hi there! My name is Robert. Can I have a minute of your time to talk to you about Atheism? Thanks so much!

Do you know where you’re going when you die? Not sure, huh? I wasn’t either, until I found the saving knowledge of Atheism. Now I have the answer to that nagging question. Do you want to know what that answer is, friend? I’ll tell you: Nowhere! There is nothing after death, just a big, beautiful void. We are born, and then we die! Simple as that. Isn’t that easier to think about then those big, ethereal, lofty concepts of “heaven” and “hell”? I sure think so! I mean, who wants to go to hell? Certainly not me! I say eternity, you say void! Eternity? Void! Eternity? Void! Hahaha, I love cheers.

What’s that? Oh, why thank you, I’d love a glass of lemonade!

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes. Did you know that God doesn’t love you? Hah, well, it’s not because you’re not lovable! No sir.

It’s because God doesn’t exist. There’s not a lot of time left before the world ends, and when it does, you’d better hope that you don’t believe in God! Because if you do, well… Then you’ll be wrong! And who would want to die wrong? You don’t look like a die-wronger. Are you? Are you a die wronger? I hope not. Read the full story

Popularity: 48% [?]