Have you heard? Michael Jackson is dead! I go on a little vaycay to the Bermuda Triangle for a couple of weeks and then the whole world goes to hell in a hand-basket! And it’s not even my hand-basket! I just… I just can’t believe it. It seems like just yesterday he was revolutionizing pop music and quite literally dancing my face off. What are we going to do now?

That, loyal TTM readers, is what I’ve been telling people for the past two weeks. The whole world has been in mourning, and I have been loving it. Did you see all those prisoners in the Philippines that did the Thriller jig? That little diddy got more news coverage than the tsunami I used to destroy Australia. JK I didn’t do that, but for real it was a great decoy. We tried doing something like that here in hell to celebrate, but tormented souls don’t dance so well when they’re on fire and are being reminded of all of their worst nightmares at the same time. I know. Lame.

Anyway, even the Iranians stopped protesting their most recent election to mourn the loss of MJ. I’m sure they’re happy that they aren’t so distracted by all those stupid shows about “revolution” and “injustice” that were always on so that they could catch all the beautiful specials that have been on CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, Telemundo, CNBC, MSNBC, FOX, FOXNews, E!, and Lifetime. It’s just like I said to them, “Hey guys, look over there!” and when they turned to see what it was that I was pointing at, I destroyed any sign of democracy in their nation and any hope of change. And they didn’t even care! It was like I was a fat kid in a candy store, or a pedophile at the Harry Potter premiere. I was in absolute hell! Oh, that’s good for me, by the way. Read the full story

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Greetings and Salutations!  I trust you all are finding this interminable winter as joyless and bitter as I intended.  You’ll have to forgive me for the many weeks that have passed since my last post.  What can I say?  The holidays are a busy time for me.  If I’m not pounding eggnog and Bacardi by the Lake O’ Fire, I’m probably vacationing with Dakota Fanning, orchestrating the outcomes of collegiate bowl games with the help of my servants – the referees, or touring the country with my main man, Michael Buble.  Even for an eternal being of pure evil, it can be exhausting.  Add 100 hours of court ordered community service and you’ve got yourself a packed calendar.

In fact, my recent experience with involuntary volunteerism is what I wanted to discuss with you all today.  Long story short, an overzealous judge in Madison, Wisconsin, used an archaic loophole in the penal code to implicate me in the serial vandalizing of several local nursing homes.  (I mean, yes, it was my idea, but I wasn’t the one putting grim reaper statues outside the windows, and I certainly wasn’t the one greasing the wheelchair ramps.)  Without anything remotely resembling due process, I was treated to a rather stern tongue-lashing and ordered to perform 100 hours of civic service.

As you might imagine, I am opposed to service of all kinds, community or otherwise.  This is, of course, in keeping with my broader opposition to anything that does not result in war, pestilence, poverty, or public embarrassment.  This made the completion of my penance difficult.  How could I placate this mustachioed, Midwestern magistrate without undoing any of the evil that I have painstakingly sown on Earth?  I was in a real pickle.  Then, during one of my weekly visits to the demon’s playground, which you people know as the Internet, I discovered something called “animal shelters.”  And just like that, my problem was solved. Read the full story

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Hey guys. The devil here. Just got done smoking some Camels with Tom Cruise and L. Ron Hubbard.

We were talking, and Tom said something that really resonated with me: “You know the world is going to hell in a handbasket when companies are begging the government for money left and right. Trust me, I know a lot about hell and handbaskets. And insane cults.” I heard that and I was all like, “yeah, you really do know a lot about those things.” And then Tom started foaming at the mouth, so we had to put him down.

That led me to a question: how come nobody has bothered asking me for a hand? Hello! My resources are… How should I say… Unlimited? So what if they were acquired in “dishonest ways” with “weeping and gnashing of teeth.” It’s not like the government is any better. Can I get an “amen?” Just kidding.

Anyway, if those GM CEO’s would just hop on their private jets and roll on out here to the 90210 where I live, I’d gladly give them a boost (don’t act surprised, you always knew I lived here). Inefficiency? Low quality? Blatant disregard for environmental issues? Zero new ideas in the past two decades? What more could a devil ask for in a car company? These are just the kinds of guys I want on my payroll. Besides, I need a new project. I’m getting bored running OPEC. Read the full story

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Bonjour, Konnichiwa, and Hakuna Matata.  I trust you all are feeling sufficiently miserable during this preposterous holiday season.  I mean, for the love of David Koresh, what is all this day of thanks nonsense about anyway?  Seriously, do you people really have that much to be thankful for?  I can think of only three things: high definition television, Megan Fox, and gChat.  There you go. Say thank you and get back to suffering through your laughably-short lives filled with disappointment, heartbreak, sun burns, and hang nails.

But, what am I saying?  That’s not what you came here for.  Our time is brief (and by “our” I mean “your”) so lets get down to brass tacks.  As the Prince of Darkness and Commander-in-Chief of All Evil Forces Above and Below the Earth (CCAEFABE) people are constantly pestering me with all manner of trivial and uninteresting questions.  Did you invent the Dentist?  No, but he is a close friend.  Can one actually swim in the Lake of Fire?  Yes, from 12pm-8pm daily and from 8am-10pm on the weekends.  How do you feel about the way you are portrayed in popular literature and film?  Mostly ambivalent.  R.L. Stine probably came the closest to getting me right.

Yet more than anything, people are constantly inquiring about my political leanings.  People assume that, as the CCAEFABE, I have the ability to shape coup d’etats, military juntas, and prom queen elections to my liking.  This is true only in part.  Yes, I have been a registered voter for the past two and a half centuries, and yes, I often use movies like The Golden Compass and The Da Vinci Code to speak my message to the masses, but when it comes right down to it, I’m only one principality of the underworld, and my vote counts the same as yours.  (It counts slightly more than she-devil votes as she-devils are still regarded as only 3/5 of a demon.) Read the full story

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